The Weight You Need to Lose in Order to Truly Like Yourself

Answer me this: Do you believe that the thing standing between you and radical self love... is a few pounds?

While there is nothing (I repeat: NOTH.👏ING👏!) wrong with changing how your body looks, my question to you is this:

If we went deep— like deep deeeep down — is what you really want from a physique change... actually a FEELING?

My bet would be that it is. Cuz spoiler alert: everything we do is because we want to feel a certain way, period.

So. Is what you’re REALLY after confidence? Self love? Acceptance, an end to the inner war? To feel valuable, desired, worthy?

Do you dream that all those golden feels will arrive like the free gift with purchase once you hit your goal weight?

If so, hear this:

If what you’re REALLY seeking with a physique change is actually a FEELING — the physique you got now ain’t the problem, my love.

Real talk. How can you honestly expect to be hashtag blessed with the unconditional self love and self acceptance you’ve been pining for, if it’s only arriving to you via a fucking SIZE?

Isn’t that building your own self approval out of sand? Isn’t that inherently *conditional* love?

But I get it. We know that *something* has to change for our mindset to change (otherwise we’d be there already, right?), and in this culture, it’s par for the course to make our bodies bear that burden.

It’s not your fault for thinking that your body is the culprit in how you feel now, or the savior to how you WANT to feel later, or for thinking the two things are even related at all.

But I’ve got some news, and I say this with love:

The weight keeping you from radical self love? It’s NOT on your body.

THE WEIGHT YOU NEED TO LOSE IS:
The weight of your outdated internal narratives and limiting beliefs about who you are and what makes you good enough that you’ve been carrying around for years and informing your fears + motives that btw DON’T EVEN BELONG TO YOU.

Once you can shed THAT weight? You’re free.

And FUCK does it feel good.

For more on this, go listen to ep 64 of SHE THRIVES RADIO: CHANGING HOW YOU LOOK VS CHANGING HOW YOU FEEL, where I break it all down.

And hey: if this resonated with you, you might want to check out SHE THRIVES ACADEMY.

Stop Treating the Gym as Your 'Therapy'

Unpopular opinion:

No, fitness is not your “therapy”.

Before you come for me, hear me out.

🤔We demonize the act of diving head first into a tub of ice cream to cope with a shit day or soothe a case of the feels, but we celebrate the idea of hitting the gym for the same reasons.

We do this for several reasons, but the primary one is that when taken WITHOUT context, one of those outlets seems “healthier”.

But lest we forget: HEALTH IS CONTEXTUAL.

💁🏼‍♀️So let’s add that in just for funsies.

When you’re feeling less than great and looking for an outlet, both the ice cream and the gym are playing an IDENTICAL role, and this is important:

To distract, to avoid, to numb, or to otherwise appeal to your primal instinct to RUN from discomfort. When we do this, we tend to reach for something that will light up our reward centers FAST.

This comes in many flavors. Food. Booze. Scrolling. And yes, even fitness.

It gets all the Feel Goods flowing through your body and brain, acting as short term pleasure and reward.

And HEY. There is nothing inherently wrong with this! You are entitled to ALL the pleasure in the world my dear.

But. If you are using fitness as your sole release, soother, or escape, you are STILL running.

You are not letting yourself process. You are seeking fast reward (ice cream!), and in doing so, avoiding the REAL (uncomfortable) work that your mind and heart are telling you needs attention.

But isn’t a workout a better option than ice cream? Maybe. But maybe not. Again: context.

Are you are taking an already stressed body and piling more stress (exercise!) on top of it, over and over and over again?

This is when your workout can be actively working AGAINST your greater health, no matter how refreshing it feels in the moment.

So keep sweating and moving, but start tuning in to what is driving you.

If it’s because it’s an escape, I implore you to stop running and start showing up for the deeper work.

Whether that’s ACTUAL therapy, working with a coach (hi), or just letting yourself process fully, don’t forget that your emotional fitness counts too.

And it requires its OWN work.

For more on this, listen to episode 67 of SHE THRIVES RADIO, all about Emotional Fitness.

The Two Words That Can Dissolve Your Fear

I’ve been scared my whole life.

Scared of everything.

Scared of being left behind
Scared of being too much
Scared of not being enough
Scared of the unknown
Scared of certainty
Scared of strangers
Scared of the dark

All of it. Living in fear.

And yet in the face of all this fear, I’ve found myself quietly intoxicated by the enormous power of two simple words.

Two words that take the squeezing, tightening, isolating, angry pressure of fear, and split it open into a beaming expanse of light, warmth and possibility:

What If.

I’m afraid I’ll be left behind. What if my path was my own?

I’m afraid I am too much. What if this bigness allows someone else to be big too?

I’m afraid of not knowing what’s coming. What if it was exactly what I’ve been hoping for?

✨What if it all goes well?
✨What if I am enough?
✨What if I am strong enough to handle this?

Fear will always show you one side, and it does it well. It will paint it vividly, darkly.

Everything that can go wrong, every way you will fail, every way it will hurt, the way you will be left alone to pick up the pieces.

It will all go wrong.

But ‘what if’ begs you to consider an alternate ending. ‘What if’ helps you stand taller, even in the face of fear. ‘What if’ reminds you that there’s always another way.

⚡️What if it all goes RIGHT?

Whenever I find myself getting pulled back into the cold shadows of my fear, I hear the whisper of these two simple words and I let myself warm to their presence.

‘What if’ turns me into the light.

And it is towards this beacon, often distant and faint, that I take a step. And then another.

You see, my fear is my imagination. Turned against myself. My antidote to fear is my own imagination, turned in support of myself.

I may have been scared my whole life, but I’ve also been training this What If side of me to run wild. Turns out, it’s really all it takes.


If you feel stuck in fear’s confines, I hope you remember that there is a way out. There’s always another story available to you.

Your freedom may be as simple as two short words.

What If.

And I hope you let your imagination run wild. 💜

How to Stay Motivated to Make Healthy Choices

Man alive. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been asked this question, I’d be off partying in Mykonos like Lindsay Lohan right now.

I think it’s something that EVERY health, fitness, or wellness professional gets bombarded with all the time.

The data is clear: It’s what you want to know the secret to THE MOST.

And I’m here today to tell you the secret: there is no secret.

Truth be told, the answer is not really what you want to hear, but Ima tell you anyway cuz you know that keeping it real around here is the name of my game.

So, here goes:

There’s a short and answer and a there’s long answer.

Short answer: you build healthy habits so it’s not even something you even negotiate with yourself— it’s just what you do.

This is what you’ll hear most pros say, cuz it’s the truth. It’s about discipline, doing things whether or not you’re “motivated”, making things habitual.

But this is also a touch misleading, and therefore downright infuriating to people who are trying to heed this advice, and why we STILL get asked this question ad nauseam.

People find themselves pushing through pain, getting SUPERFUCKINGDISCIPLINED, hashtag no excuses, more rules, gogogo, and trying to overhaul everything all at once. THIS IS ME NOW, right?

The long answer, is how you ACTUALLY GO ABOUT creating those habits. It’s not more discipline and rules and ignoring hunger cues or fatigue or cravings. Not even a little.

This is how you actually make “motivation” obsolete:

1. Really identify what is interfering with your decision making, and why. (Spoiler alert: this could be simple af, but more often than not, it’s about 348 different things). You can’t change what you do not notice.

2. Dismantle anything that is acting as a lifeline to your negative habit loop, self sabotaging behavior, or stalling points.

This includes but is not limited to:
your thoughts
your narratives
your internal dialog
how you feel about yourself
what you were conditioned to believe
what you choose to believe
your sense of worth
your insecurities
coping mechanisms
emotional health
Personal preferences
tendencies, and behaviors.
(And more. Yes— allllll of these impact your choices😳)

This means that MINDSET work + internal personal development is the underlying catalyst for your change, PERIOD.

There is NO TWO WAYS AROUND THIS, fam. If you’re always falling off the wagon, sabotaging yourself, losing interest, or struggling to make the choices you know you want to me making, there are underlying systems at work that you MUST address if you ever even HOPE to actually change your reality.

3. Rebuild from the ground up, going as slowly as possible.

Starting small.
Rewriting one narrative.
Making one different choice.
Sitting in the discomfort one second longer.
Digging one layer deeper.
Taking one step.

And getting reallllllly fucking good at that one, tiny thing, and continuing to practice it with focused intention until it starts taking less (or no) effort.

4. Then, we add one more. And so on.

THIS is how healthy, SUSTAINABLE habits are made. ERGO, THIS is how you stay “motivated”.

It actually has *nothing* to do with the feeling of “motivation”, and everything to do with your ability to remove the negotiation process with yourself, and engrain habits, behaviors, thoughts and patterns that SERVE you in the highest sense.

It’s putting in the time UNDER THE SURFACE to find your leaks and patch them with care.

It’s going so slow you don’t even know where the effort ended and the ease began.

It’s not sexy. It’s not a 10 day Quick Fix. It doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t master it from an Instagram or blog post!

It takes work. But it’s work of the Life Changing variety.

AS SUCH, this is precisely why the foundation of my work and coaching revolves around your mindset.

When you can understand, reason with, and take control of that noggin of yours, an entire universe of possibility opens up to you.

To work with me and make change in the post powerful of ways, check out the following:

THE CONFIDENCE LAB

THE NUTRITION LAB (currently closed)

PRIVATE COACHING

We Need to Talk About Body Positivity

PHOTO FROM SELF MAGAZINE

Yesterday, I spent more time than I actually care to admit scrolling through the comment sections on Instagram under the images that were shared by Self Magazine's new digital 'zine. 

On the cover, and in these images, is plus size model Tess Holliday. The title reads, "Tess Holiday's Health is None of Your Business".

The comment threads were an actual war zone. A few YASSS QUEEN's and Thank You Self!'s strewn among hundreds upon hundreds of "this is insanity, this promotes obesity", "there's no way she's healthy", "how can you glorify such an unhealthy lifestyle?", to which the back and forth internet arguing ensued.

And I read it all. In absolute horrified awe.

The irony of the actual title of the article and the tone of the majority of the comments was palpable. HER HEALTH IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. And yet, here were hundreds of "concern trolls" sizing up exactly what they presumed her health to be, and telling her she's doing it wrong. Telling Self they should be ashamed of themselves for putting this woman on their cover and in their Instagram feed.

And HOLY SHIT you guys, we need to talk. I almost don't even know where to start with this, and even though I hope that none of MY readers were leaving these comments, it still warrants a conversation because it's evident that we still have a lot of work to do. So let's start here.

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[A quick side note/disclaimer. I don't generally read any of these health magazines, and I don't know much about Tess Holliday as a person, and I'm not here to defend either one of these things. This post is about the bigger picture here, and the principle of the matter, especially as it relates to the growing movement of "body positivity". Also worth noting: There are a LOT of facets + considerations in this topic and I don't cover them all here. I also am not claiming to do any of this perfectly or that I am an expert on these things. I am most certainly still learning and doing the best I can, and sharing what I've learned along the way.]

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Tess Holliday for Self Magazine

"THIS IS CELEBRATING AN UNHEALTHY PERSON"

First: I hate to break it to these trolls, but we have been "celebrating" unhealthy people for a long ass time. You think the women who traditionally make the cover of magazines, especially back in the 90's, when protruding ribs and collarbones were in vogue, are healthy? You think that giving yourself metabolic damage, obsessing over body fat, forcing yourself into a size or shape, living with 6% body fat, or otherwise suffering to fit into an impossible aesthetic is healthy?

It often doesn't even get a second look (the proof of this is literally on the shelf in the magazine section right now), and the reason is this: THOSE body types are considered "desirable". They are socially accepted. They are what our culture puts on a pedestal. That is what we have decided we value. THOSE BODIES ARE GOOD. 

Never mind that you can't tell even a fucking OUNCE of truth as to what that person's medical health is actually like by looking at them. Never mind that thin or fit does not inherently equal health in any universe. Never mind that mental health and body image are major factors in over all health, and that lean people can lead some of the arguably most unhealthy lifestyles around, with the biggest risk factors for a premature death (but you'll never see commenters "concerned" for their health). Never mind all that, right?

You simply CANNOT know the inner workings of someone's overall health just by looking at them. And thinking that you CAN, is the foundation of the one single remaining types of oppression and discrimination that is still 10000% socially acceptable: fat shaming. 

All of the body shaming comments are under the guise of "health". And while I'm not going to deny that at a certain point, weight and health are linked, it is absolutely beyond me how ANYONE could ever take it upon themselves to shame a total stranger, tell them that they are living wrong, and should never be on the cover of a magazine.

Which brings me to my next point, and here's where things get pretty interesting, so I hope you're sitting down:

Even if she is unhealthy, does she not deserve to be celebrated?

Like I hope I made clear here, body size is not a metric for health. It's just not that simple. But more importantly, health is not a metric for worth. Let's say that all together now:

HEALTH IS NOT A MEASURE OF YOUR WORTH.

Every single body, regardless of color, shape, gender, size, sexual preference, ability, or health, is valuable, and is allowed to exist without your opinion, input or "concern". Every body deserves respect, and every body deserves to be celebrated.

 

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT BODY POSITIVITY

These days, "body positivity" is everywhere, and almost always, it's used synonymously with "self love". It's perceived as an internal project to be positive about one's own body, and the morphing and misinterpretation of this movement is creating some issues that we need to address.

Body positivity is not self love.

The origins of the body positivity movement are rooted in rejection against the notion that there are good bodies and there are bad bodies. It was a response to the diet and fat-fearing culture and it created awareness and a stage to fight against the blatant discrimination that fat bodies, bodies of color, disabled bodies, trans bodies, and other bodies have been facing, pretty much since the dawn of time in our society.

It was a political and social rebellion against the systematic oppression of bodies that were far from the likeness of the thin, cis, able bodied, white women who were on the covers of magazines. 

Body positivity was fighting for resources, representation, respect, and equal treatment (by medical establishments, workplaces, and more) for people who live in marginalized bodies. 

And while you know I'm always here for self love, we need to understand how the takeover of this movement is hurting the very reason it was created in the first place. 

"The current body-positivity movement has failed to address this systemic discrimination as its foremothers did. Instead, the movement has focused on feelings and empowerment as a means of opening it up to all, instead of zeroing in on those who still face rampant discrimination.

'On social media, it actually gets worse for fat bodies: We’re not just being erased from body positivity, fat women are being actively vilified,' she wrote. 'Health has become the stick with which to beat fat people with, and the benchmark for whether body positivity should include someone.'"  //   (from The Fragility of Body Positivity)

Which brings me back to our conversation about the cover of Self. Aside from the (very fucking important, ok) fact that you can't tell jack shit about Tess' health by looking at her photo, let's, for the sake of argument, say she's not healthy. 

Suggesting that that immediately disqualifies her as a body that's able to be seen, or (gasp!) celebrated, is a big, big problem. THIS IS FAT SHAMING. This is fat phobia. 

This is ONE THOUSAND percent discrimination, and quite ironically, the very notion that the actual body positivity movement is fighting against (which, by the way, Tess happens to be a leader in).

That is quite literally saying that only some bodies deserve celebration and respect (or to simply be SEEN!), and others do not. 

A lot of this misunderstanding is thanks to corporations who see this movement happening and are trying to capitalize on it. 

"What should be a mission toward all-encompassing inclusivity has taken on its own form of exclusivity, thanks to advertisements featuring mainly one type of woman. 'Body positivity encompasses much more than the curvy, white, straight, feminine bodies that may occasionally tout cellulite or stretch marks in an advertisement,'" // (from the Huffington Post)

(For a super interesting read on the twisted capitalizing of this movement and the messages being shared, I highly recommend this article: Body Positivity is a Scam)

We like to see some deviation from the traditionally celebrated norm, but not too much. Show us real bodies, but only ones that look like mine. All bodies are beautiful, but only up to a point.

Guys.

PRIVELEGE, HYPOCRACY + MORALITY   

As one commenter, Jess, put it, "this makes me concerned about the body positive movement. There's a big difference between helping women be ok with some cellulite and promoting obesity."

First: Is representation of real human bodies promoting obesity? Do those bodies not reserve the right to live how they want and exist without persecution? Do we get to decide who can be seen, and who needs to stay in the shadows, while we all ring the bell and chant "shame" at them?

Since when do we all get to stand in our fear-based self righteousness and declare who is living to our standards and who is not? Since when do we get to wear the BODY POSITIVITY sandwich board and say all bodies are good, while spitting at bodies like Tess's? 

Secondly: In this day and age where we are recognizing privileges, calling out double standards, and taking a close look at our biases, I'd like to request that we add this to the list of things to sit with, examine, and work through. 

Your privilege, Jess, (and hundreds of other commenters) is that you already live in a body that is accepted without question in today's society. Your privilege is that you'll probably never get body shamed and berated by hundreds of strangers on the internet. 

Thirdly: Save your concern, because body positivity at it's core is not about conventionally attractive, thin women being positive about their bodies, but instead for the reality of life for bodies who face a very real lack of fundamental resources and are routinely ostracized and marginalized by establishments and our culture at large (by people like you, Jess).

But do I blame you personally? Hard to say. Your views are the result of a culture that respects and values one body type, and one body type only. A culture that fears fat more than anything in the world and makes us all believe that our body (and how much fat we carry on it) determines whether we are good or bad, and therefore deserve to be celebrated or not.

And as @applesaucemama pointed out, we clearly need to take this conversation one step further, and get a little louder for the cheap seats in the back.

"Sure you can accept yourself in any way, shape or form. You deserve love. But I don't have to accept misguided non-truths that this is healthy, desirable, or beautiful to the common eye".

Or in other words, accept yourself but don't make me look at it.

This thinking puts the impetus BACK on oppressed bodies, and suggests that the work that needs to be done here is on them to love themselves, but keep it over there in the shadows, because it has nothing to do with us. Reinforcing oppressive systems and keeping the stigma for these bodies alive and well. 

Lastly, intertwining the terms 'healthy', 'desirable', and 'beautiful' is no mistake here. We only consider "healthy" bodies to be beautiful, and we think we know EXACTLY what a healthy body looks like. (But do we? Really?)

DEAR TROLLS, PLEASE HEAR THIS:

NO ONE owes you beauty. Or thinness. Or desirability. Or health. NOT EVEN when on a magazine cover. So sit down and STFU.

#BOPO

To be fair, I'm not hating on the mainstream version of body positivity: the one that says we all deserve to love ourselves, no matter what our shape. This is important work (work that I myself help women do!), and I don't for a second want to minimize the importance of that idea.

However, if your version of #bopo doesn't include marginalized bodies, I'm not here for it. And if you're using #bopo as a means to shame another body, I'm not here for it either. 

We cannot allow this movement to be used AGAINST the very people it was created by and for.

 I also think that we ARE making some strides in the right direction on this front (Tess' cover as exhibit A, among other big departures from the norm that are sprinkled around the media + advertisements these days). But if these comment threads were any indication, we still have a long way to go to be sure that ALL bodies are seen as good, worthy, and allowed to exist without persecution.

So today I'll leave you with this:

To a culture that is cheerleading the trendiness of unphotoshopped ads, celebrating seeing women like Ashley Graham on the cover of SI, and swimming in the warm fuzzies of embracing our cellulite, but throws verbally abusive stones at anyone who chooses to reject the socially acceptable way to exist and stands proudly in her nonconforming skin: get your shit together.

"Body positivity can’t focus on thin, white women and simultaneously tackle discrimination against fat, trans, and disabled people. Expanding legal protections must be the focus, otherwise the outcomes of our lives will continue to be determined by fatphobia, transphobia, and ableism. Until body positivity centers that, the message will continue to be that all bodies are good bodies, but some bodies are still treated better than others."   //  (from The Fragility of Body Positivity) 

So, friend, embrace the skin you're in and work to feel at home in your own body, but please know that the work doesn't stop there.

We must stop the hierarchy of bodies, examine our deeply held phobias and biases (including our fear of fat), do our part to educate ourselves and our communities, encourage representation of all kinds, support marginalized bodies and voices, strive for actual systematic and political change, and just let a bitch live her life.

Let's work to not only empower ourselves, but to empower others, no matter (or especially!) if they don't align with the acceptable societal norm.

I hope we can all work to become truly body positive.

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FOR SOME MORE RESOURCES ON THIS CONVERSATION, I RECOMMEND FOLLOWING:

@sassylatte | @thefatsextherapist | @themilitantbaker | @watchshayslay | @bodyimage_therapist

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The Problem With "Progress" That No One Talks About

"Progress"

I think this word gets thrown around the health and fitness industry more than any other word. Weight loss progress. Pull up progress. Progress over perfection. Progress photos. Progress, progress, progress.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not hating on the word, nor on the concept. I think progress IS valuable to keep in mind, and I like that it keeps the idea of a bit-by-bit, step-by-step  journey front and center.

But there's a dark side to focusing so much on progress, and I've really noticed it start to come out of the woodwork lately. And I don't hear many people talking about this in the fitness space, so I wanted to bring it to your attention, cuz that's part of what I do around here.

When you hear that word, what do you think of? Do you imagine yourself at the end of Progress Road, all finished and shiny and perfect?

For so many of us, "progress" elicits a vision of a linear journey. Like if you just keep showing up, putting in the work, and doing what you're supposed to, you'll arrive at your destination.

We get told to stop competing with others and only compete with ourself, to look at how far we've come, and let that be our guiding light on Progress Road.

We are made to believe that progress is equivalent to being better today than we were yesterday.

And this is where things get sticky.

 What happens if you're not "better" today than you were yesterday? What if you're currently in a season of life where by all measurements, you are on a backslide? 

What if your mile run or Fran time is at an all time slow? What if you can barely deadlift 60% of what you were once able to lift? 

What then?

This is where the emphasis on progress starts to mess with our heads, and fully makes us feel like we have failed. This is where comparing ourselves to even a previous version of our own selves leads us to sink into disappointment and shame. 

We couldn't keep up with being better today than we were yesterday, so we have officially lost all of our progress. What a waste, what an embarrassment, what a shame, right?

Not so fast. 

This is the part that most of the fitness and health industry leaves out of the conversation entirely, and it's important for you to hear:

Everyone's idea of "progress" looks different.

Meaning, for some people, showing up to the gym 4 days a week is progress. For others, hitting PRs and seeing real, measurable improvements in the gym is progress. For others, losing 70 lbs is progress. For others, sticking with a program far after motivation has faded, is progress. For some, not thinking about their body or fitness AT ALL is progress.

No matter what road you're on (and man alive are there LOTS of different roads we are all on), progress will never be linear. If you stick with anything long enough, there will be a point of plateau or even seeming digression (gasp!). And what's more, your focuses and priorities are also guaranteed to shift along the way.

And as so, for some of us, learning to be completely content with where we currently are, no matter how it compares to yesterday, is progress.

Progress isn't always a PR, a measurable output in capacity, a body fat percentage, or a goal hit. 

And that's the problem. In our Instagram world, we believe "progress" looks like one road; one linear, ever improving path, and it just ain't that simple, fam.

Progress can be also be a mindset, an ease and compassion with yourself, time without judgement against yourself, and one step forward on the road to acceptance. 

A place where we take the pressure off of ourselves and needing to outperform our old self in every way, each and every day, and instead embrace the internal, quiet, and slow progress towards embracing what is.

And here's the kicker: this IS progress! This does make us "better than yesterday" in so many senses, just not the kind that you see all over Instagram. But I promise you that *this* progress is some of the most powerful steps you can take in your life.

And hey, if you don't love or accept yourself more today than you did yesterday, that's ok too. That doesn't mean you failed.

Remember that sometimes progress just looks like being able to see yourself clearly in your current moment or experience, without wishing it looked differently or trying to control it.

So the next time you feel discouraged because you can't quite compete with yourself, or that your graph of progress looks more like an EKG than a straight, upward line, remember this:

No journey, whether it be in fitness, health, self love, career, or anything else, is linear. There will ALWAYS be times where you feel as though you're taking two (or twenty) steps backwards, and that your progress is lost.

But know that it's in these moments, in what the outside world might mistakenly judge as dips or backslides, that you are still progressing. Below the surface, you are on a path of growth that no one is seeing, but one that takes just as much attention and effort and devotion. 

 

Learning to be patient and non-judgmental with yourself through the highs and the lows and the moments where you don't care much either way, is the progress that counts the most.

By showing yourself even the slightest amount more acceptance for where you currently are right at this moment today, I would argue that you are, in fact, better than yesterday. 

What does progress mean to you right now? Tell me in the comments:

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Is "Moderation" Really Achievable? Or Sustainable? Or Healthy?

Isn't "moderation" one of those really fucking annoying words? A word that gets thrown around so often and so effortlessly, by people who seem to have all their shit together, as if it's the simplest, easiest solution to all your healthy lifestyle challenges?

"Of course you can eat cake and cookies, just do it 'in moderation'". "Everything in moderation!". Insert eye roll here.

I used to look at the women slinging the "moderation" lifestyle with both envy, awe, and a little dash of "fuck you". Because to me, as an all-or-nothing, in or out, I'm-fucking-doing-this-thing or I'm-not-at-all kind of person, moderation seemed not only unattainable, but counter intuitive.

Like first of all, isn't it kind of against the point to be pursuing health or fat loss or fitness, while also eating cookies? If you're going for gold, why would you add moderation? Isn't that going to slow you down?

And second of all, how easy it is for you to say, you bikini-clad, cellulite-less, goddess looking woman who clearly is at Life Expert Level 97, to just casually add in treats when you feel like it, like it's no big deal. DO YOU KNOW ME? When the box is open, there's no stopping me. What fucking mortal can eat pizza or brownies in moderation?

I pursued the intense, in or out approach to diet for YEARS upon years. I'd feel pretty good when I was "on", but every on period came with an equal (or worse) "off" period. But this was just my nature, as an all-or-nothing type person, so what could really be done here?

It wasn't until I started doing lots of focused mindset work that I realized that actually, I could go "off plan" here or there, without it spiraling into a 3 week Oreo induced coma. The more I practiced self care and acceptance, the more I got to know myself. And the better I got to know myself, the more compassion and understanding I had with myself. And the more compassion I have, the easier it is to handle cravings or "slip ups" with ease, with no guilt or remorse. 

In other words, the secret to *actually* living with moderation lies in your MINDSET. How you're thinking about food, the rules you put in place, the stories you're telling yourself about who you are and what you can and cannot do, your feelings about your body, what you feel you should be doing, your feelings of guilt, your idea of perfection, and so much more.

While I do think there can certainly be a time and a place for living on the extreme ends of the spectrum, the truth is this: most of our life is NOT spent in the extremes, but rather, in the gray area in between.

And while I used to think that moderation was for people who just weren't as determined or disciplined as I was (or for alien creatures with no taste buds or soul), time, practice, work, and a lot of experience has taught me otherwise.

Moderation IS actually the way to build a healthy lifestyle, BECAUSE it is what is most sustainable.

"Moderation" isn't eating brownies every day or going HAM on your favorite treat, like I used to think it was: it's simply learning to enjoy treats or "fun" food with no feelings of guilt or remorse attached, and then move right along to your regularly scheduled programming of mostly health supporting foods. That's all. 

Plus, it's WAY more fun. Stepping out of the boxed programs and labeled diets, living according to your own rules, and eating how you please is a much more balanced, long term approach to health.

I wrote about why I broke up with paleo in this wildly popular blog post here.

Moderation allows us to even out those crazy highs and lows, offs and ons, and instead live in a steady state in between. 

And yes, it IS achievable. But it can take work.

This is precisely why I created She Thrives Academy: to teach you everything I know about turning the all-or-nothing cycles with food into a balanced, easy, lifestyle.

The bulk of this program is MINDSET work, which will completely change your relationship to food, and even your own body. It will help you claim a lifestyle that you probably didn't imagine could ever be yours, but I promise you, it can be.

Come join me to learn about how to go from the all-or-nothing, on/off cycles with food and lean how to build a FUN, sustainable, balance with food, for GOOD.

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Check out these posts for more support on creating balance, moderation, and lasting habits:

How That Sweeping Diet Overhaul is Working Against You

Three Tips for Balanced, Fun Holiday Eating

Leaving the "Paleo" Label and Stepping into My Own Balanced Diet

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How That Sweeping Diet Overhaul is Working Against You

I know the feeling: it's almost a rush of adrenaline and excitement, mixed with sheer determination and anticipation. Today is the day you're changing your life!

You've put a stake in the ground and decided that you're ready to commit for good this time, and you are dedicated to doing whatever needs to be done in order to achieve your health goals. You're fired up, feeling motivated AF and ready to tackle this-- for real.

And why play small here? After all shouldn't your change be reflective of your level of determination?

Plus you're an all-or-nothing type, especially when it comes to food, so it's go big or go home time.

"I do declare that from this day forward I will now start eating breakfast, be a vegan, track my macros, hit 100g of protein every day, stop eating sugar, go paleo, drink more water, stop eating carbs, start 6 new supplements, and do a Whole30 for 90 days!"

That aught to do it, right?

I hope your'e sitting down.

The reason you've felt defeated, disappointed, devoid of willpower and unable to stick to anything you've tried before, is because these massive, sweeping, (albeit mostly well intentioned), top to bottom health overhauls are actually a trap.

These extreme cycles are not only exhausting and draining, but they aren't giving you a fighting chance for lasting change. See exhibit A:

Super motivated! > Changes everything > Motivation fades > Why is this so hard > I can't do this, I'll never hit my goals > Eats all the things (#fuckit) > Gets tired of feeling less than awesome > Super motivated!

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This is one of the biggest things I teach in my 6 week food + mindset course, THE NUTRITION LAB. Getting out of this cycle can take WORK, but it’s 100% doable, and I show you exactly how in this course.

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So what's a girl to do instead? Though it might not be as sexy as the pantry clean out and swearing off dessert for the next 60 days, the answer lies in the small, subtle, MANAGEABLE behaviors and micro-goals you make to your meals, your day, your mindset, and your overall health.

The little things that seem almost too easy to accomplish, but you know you can do. Starting with baby steps, while slowly and patiently adding other step when the previous step is mastered, is the key to SUSTAINABLE shifts in your diet, fitness and overall health.

If you're looking for a little guidance on what these steps look like or how to go about this more gentle approach to creating change, I've got something you're gonna like:

A free small step cheat sheet and guide to how to implement them:

Enter your email here and grab your free copy of the Small Step Guide:

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Upgrade Your Health Goals: Instead of a Goal Weight, Try This

The new year is here and resolutions are in the air. I don't know the actual statistic is on this, but it's no secret that an overwhelming amount of Americans (especially women) tend to have some sort of health goal among their resolutions.

Usually, it boils down to losing weight, losing body fat, or hitting a "goal weight". And I've certainly been part of this group before, so no shade if that's where your focus currently is!

It's always ok to have aesthetic goals or to want to change the way you look-- far be it from me to tell you what you should want for yourself. But today I want to offer you little tip that will completely upgrade your health goals and add sustainability to your pursuit, and overall serve YOU so. much. more. deeply.

Instead of setting and chasing a "goal weight", try this: set and chase a "goal feeling".

What do I mean by that, exactly? Well, it will take a little bit of brainstorming on your behalf to think about how you REALLY want to feel, but it's worth the effort. This is Step 1 of the process.

How do you want to FEEL? Here are some examples to get you started:

Vibrant. Happy. Powerful. Sexy. Strong. Confident. Graceful. Balanced. Grateful. Healthy. Empowered. Radiant.

Think of a word (or three! There are no rules here!), and when you've got it nailed down, you're ready for Step 2. Ask yourself:

What can I do right now to feel the way I want to feel?

So often we think that in order to feel a certain way, we've got to wait until the feeling strikes us to be able to take action towards our goals. Like we need to feel motivated first, and then we'll get it done. Like we need to feel happy or in a good mood, and then we'll go work out. Like we need to feel like we're in a nurturing, self-caring space, and then we'll eat better.

This thinking that a feeling will inspire us to action is flawed. In reality, ACTION INSPIRES FEELING. Meaning, you've gotta do something to achieve that feeling.

Step 3 is (you guessed it) doing the damn thing.

So when you want to feel motivated, you need to get up and do it, whether you want to or not. The mere act of doing it will inspire a feeling of accomplishment that will have you asking, what's next? (Cue the sweet, sweet wave of momentum).

When you want to feel strong, do something that makes you feel strong: lift some heavy weights, hold warrior for 3 minutes, run as fast as you can!

When you want to feel healthy, feed yourself all  the nourishing foods, drink your water like you're getting paid to do it, and get your precious sleep.

Can you see how this mindset will allow you to be TRULY nourishing yourself in real, tangible ways, versus you feeling like you can't have any yummy food because you're "on a diet"?

You're putting the POWER back in your hands, and you're crafting your reality. You're making your actions align with your goals, and most importantly, in a way that's TRULY serving you.

And here's the most important part: you've got to do this stuff regularly. So not just one lifting session and then waiting for motivation to strike again. Not just one nourishing meal until you crave veggies again. Nah. 

Decide on your goal feeling and stick the f*ck to it. Take action towards that feeling as regularly as you possibly can, and there will be a point in time, that might just be so subtle you fail to even notice it lapse, where instead of you, purposefully crafting the feeling of 'strong' or 'healthy', you actually become those things.

It's the most insane magic trick you could ever possibly pull on yourself and it is so much damn fun. WAY more fun than chasing a number on your scale, I promise.

Instead of weighing yourself every day, chasing a body fat percentage or pant size (which do nothing to reflect your actual state of health, fitness, worth, happiness or quality of life, by the way), UPGRADE YOSELF.

Because the truth is, how you feel IS your happiness, your health, and your quality of life. And you might just find that by chasing a goal feeling, your other goals will fall into place.

After all, you'll be acting with intention, you'll be serving your body and your mind, and you'll be pursuing something that sends endless ripples of positivity and empowerment into every area of your life. Versus, a meaningless number on your jeans or scale.

You'll not only be taking your life and happiness into your own hands, but you'll be seeking change out of a place of LOVE for yourself, instead of fear or shame.

It's a win/win.

So I ask you: How do you want to feel?

What can you do right now to feel the way you want to feel?

Chase that goal feeling and see what becomes possible for you in 2018.

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Want some ideas on how to get yourself feeling the way you want to feel? I've written about it quite a bit! Dig into these posts:

The Secret to Finding and Keeping Motivation, in Fitness + Beyond

How to Stop Waiting to Lose Those "Last 10 Pounds" to Live a Life You Love

Want More Confidence? Do This.

How I Found Confidence by Running out of F*cks

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Conquering Gymtimidation: Five Ways to Quiet Your Insecurities in the Gym

For a lot of women, gyms are scary places. I am one of those women. Back in my late teens and twenties, I was a fair weather exerciser-- I always had a membership to the local Crunch or Planet Fitness, but nothing about the experience was fun for me.

I wrote about being scared of gyms this in this post here.

For one, I was never comfortable being in tight, form fitting spandex, so even dressing for the occasion brought more anxiety than you can imagine (or, maybe you can). I hated how I couldn't really hide the lumps and bumps I was used to hiding in regular clothes, and feared intensely that people would stare at everything that jiggled when I moved around. 

Secondly, I was so overwhelmed by the machinery in these places that I didn't even bother trying to figure them out. I didn't want to look like the newb or a total bonehead so I would just steer clear altogether, instead finding a treadmill in the back of the room to jog on (for like 8 minutes or until I couldn't take it anymore, whichever came first), or attending group classes. I didn't mind the group classes as much, but I would never call anything about the experience FUN.

The first time I walked into a CrossFit gym in 2012, I was actually feeling pretty confident in my fitness (I mean, after all, I WAS doing P90x and Jillian Michaels and Insanity at home-- I've always much preferred at-home workouts than any gym space), and was looking for more of a challenge. And a challenge, I sure got.

My confidence was quickly crushed as I realized that this shit was hard. Way harder than I was expecting, and I was so weak, less athletic, and uncoordinated, compared to the other kids in class. My love of competition and seeing myself improve ultimately edged out those feelings of insecurity, but even today, I still have pockets of that same anxiety and intimidation.

If I'm a little off my game, more out of shape than usual (like I currently am, TYSM), feeling slow, weak, or otherwise not performing at my best-of-the-best capability, I still feel that same exact insecurity start to talk to me:

This is embarrassing; people are watching you flail; this should be easier; how is she already done?; everyone is shocked by how out of shape you are; I'm finishing dead last; this is so embarrassing that I can't do muscle ups anymore; god, I suck at this.

Most of the time, I keep those thoughts at bay, and truly love some fun competition, the feeling of being challenged, getting my ass kicked, and knowing I have a lot to work on. But sometimes, they not only appear, they take over.

Before I know it I'll feel a lump in my throat, my heart drop in utter defeat, and tears form, as I sink into a deep disappointment with myself. Yeah, it happens to me too. In fact, it happened to me this week.

If you've ever felt that same thought train move through your mind as you are working out, if you've ever felt like you need to get in shape before you join a gym, if you feel disappointed that you "only" did the scaled weight, if you feel like you "lose" or suck every time you WOD with the class, or if you feel like all eyes are on you, judging your athleticism, body, fitness or life choices when you're in the gym, this post is for you.

Here are 5 ways to quiet that insecurity dragon and start to enjoy the experience of working out:

1. FIND YOUR WHY. Having a reason to exercise, beyond the weight loss or aesthetic considerations, is imperative to understanding the value of the experience. Are you there to win every workout? Or are you there because it clears your mind and allows you a sense of freedom? I listed my reasons why I train in this Instagram post if you need some ideas.

Find the REAL stuff that you love about moving your body, your sport, classes, program or gym, and write that shit down if you need to. Memorize it, believe it, and remind yourself of it when you're getting sucked into the not-good-enough vortex.

2. SHOP AROUND. Standing alone in a florescent lit room filled with scary machinery I didn't understand was not for me. Running on a hamster wheel was not for me. I found something (CrossFit) that excited me, scared me in the good way, and kept my interest: you need to find yours. 

Try different sports or activities (barre, yoga, weightlifting, powerlifting, pilates, etc) and take note of what actually fires you up and you want more of. Once you've found your sport of choice, make sure you find the right gym with the right coaches and people! This is critical to keep you feeling inspired, supported, capable, and most importantly: eager to learn and improve, and want to come back for more.

Wanting to be better at something you truly enjoy helps keep you grounded, focused, and playing the long game, versus feeling crushed every time you can't do something. Plus, having a community of people rooting for you is always a nice pick-me-up that can be *just* the safety net you need when you're feeling less than awesome.

If it's not FUN, you're doing it wrong. Find your people.

3. ENTER INTO YOUR WORKOUTS WITH AN INTENTION. Before the workout begins, give yourself an intention. This will change from day to day based on how you're feeling (sore? PMS'ing? Strong AF? Exhausted?), so check in with yourself and think about what you want most out of this specific workout, on this day.

Maybe you feel like going 100% full throttle today, and you want to test that limit. Maybe your intention is to make it through the run without stopping. Maybe your intention is to attempt the RX weight, or maybe you simply want to move, so you scale down.

This helps you to remember that you are on your own journey, and this moment is yours. You are here training for reasons that no one else needs to understand, compete with, or judge. Think of your why, consider how your body and mind feels, and give yourself a focus for each workout.

When the workout is over, think about what what well for you, what you were proud of, and what you loved the most. Don't dock points to yourself because you scaled, you finished last, or any other comparison-focused note. What was awesome about it for YOU?

4. ACCEPT THAT VALLEYS COME WITH THE PEAKS. As I just mentioned, you are on a journey here, and it is your own. Like any process or path, it won't always be smooth sailing, PRs, high fives, and winning the leaderboard. Some seasons allow you to push, grow and improve, and some seasons require that you maintain, ease off, or change courses. 

Read more about the seasons of life and training in this post and this post.

Not every day will be stellar, and if you are expecting that, then you may be disappointed when you have an off day (or week. Or month). Understand that this is natural part of the cycle, and take it in stride. And most importantly:

5. KEEP SHOWING UP. Whatever you do, don't let those voices in your head win! Keep showing up. If you haven't found your flavor of exercise yet, revisit #2. If you don't know what you're doing when you're there, revisit #1 and #3. If you feel like you've been having an "off day" for 4 months now, revisit #4 and accept the season you are in.

But keep. showing. up. This effort is paramount to showing yourself that you are bigger than those stupid voices, that you value what you get from working out more than your insecurities, and that you are working with yourself in your own best interest, instead of against yourself. It might take a while to get over the initial hump and find your rhythm, but whatever you do, don't throw in the towel. Get yourself back on the horse!

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway is the number one way to build confidence in yourself. Even if the outcome isn't exactly what you hoped for, you will still feel pride for facing something that scared you, and doing your best.

Fun, pride, and better self esteem is on the other side of those fears. Do what you need to do to get yourself in the door, keep your why at the forefront of your mind, move with intention, appreciate your own, unique journey, lean on your support system, and take the off days in stride.

And don't ever, ever, EVER, let anyone ever make you feel like you don't belong in these spaces. And that includes yourself. You belong anywhere you want to be, so don't ever forget that.

I hope that these steps help you conquer the all too common gymtimidation, whether it's something you struggle with a lot, or something that may have caught you off guard in one particularly awful workout. We ALL deal with these feelings sometimes so know that you are certainly not alone. Working out, moving your body, getting stronger, and challenging yourself should (and can be!) be FUN! 

I want to hear from you: Do you have a tactic you use to edge out those voices insecurity and defeat? Share in the comments below!

Happy training,

xo

Taylor

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