Stop Treating the Gym as Your 'Therapy'

Unpopular opinion:

No, fitness is not your “therapy”.

Before you come for me, hear me out.

🤔We demonize the act of diving head first into a tub of ice cream to cope with a shit day or soothe a case of the feels, but we celebrate the idea of hitting the gym for the same reasons.

We do this for several reasons, but the primary one is that when taken WITHOUT context, one of those outlets seems “healthier”.

But lest we forget: HEALTH IS CONTEXTUAL.

💁🏼‍♀️So let’s add that in just for funsies.

When you’re feeling less than great and looking for an outlet, both the ice cream and the gym are playing an IDENTICAL role, and this is important:

To distract, to avoid, to numb, or to otherwise appeal to your primal instinct to RUN from discomfort. When we do this, we tend to reach for something that will light up our reward centers FAST.

This comes in many flavors. Food. Booze. Scrolling. And yes, even fitness.

It gets all the Feel Goods flowing through your body and brain, acting as short term pleasure and reward.

And HEY. There is nothing inherently wrong with this! You are entitled to ALL the pleasure in the world my dear.

But. If you are using fitness as your sole release, soother, or escape, you are STILL running.

You are not letting yourself process. You are seeking fast reward (ice cream!), and in doing so, avoiding the REAL (uncomfortable) work that your mind and heart are telling you needs attention.

But isn’t a workout a better option than ice cream? Maybe. But maybe not. Again: context.

Are you are taking an already stressed body and piling more stress (exercise!) on top of it, over and over and over again?

This is when your workout can be actively working AGAINST your greater health, no matter how refreshing it feels in the moment.

So keep sweating and moving, but start tuning in to what is driving you.

If it’s because it’s an escape, I implore you to stop running and start showing up for the deeper work.

Whether that’s ACTUAL therapy, working with a coach (hi), or just letting yourself process fully, don’t forget that your emotional fitness counts too.

And it requires its OWN work.

For more on this, listen to episode 67 of SHE THRIVES RADIO, all about Emotional Fitness.

5 Simple Swaps to Live Healthier Instantly

NUMBER 1

SWAP OBSESSING OVER THOSE 10 LBS for 👉

Unpacking your —and our culture’s— implicit fatphobia and the way diet culture and beauty standards have encouraged your fear of weight gain and shaped your body image and your perception of worth.

NUMBER 2

TRADE THE SHOULD-BE-DOINGS for 👉

Activities, habits, and goals that actually align with and mean something to *you*, in your current season of life with your individual available resources, bandwidth, priorities + interests.

NUMBER 3

SWITCH THE EFFORT TO GET THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE AS LOW AS POSSIBLE with 👉

An effort to get as many adventures, smiles, and *life* out of your limited number of days as possible.

NUMBER 4

SWAP TRYING TO EAT 100% CLEAN for 👉

Eating foods that nourish you physically + emotionally, without the clean/dirty, good/bad, right/wrong moral connotations.

NUMBER 5

TRADE THE HUSTLE, GRIND, AND NO PAIN NO GAIN MINDSET for 👉

Rest, stress management, self care, fun, and fulfillment *outside* of the gym or kitchen.

AND HEY. If you want my help making any of these swaps, you’re in luck: this shit is *precisely* what I do. Head HERE + let’s get going NOW.

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We Need to Talk About Body Positivity

PHOTO FROM SELF MAGAZINE

Yesterday, I spent more time than I actually care to admit scrolling through the comment sections on Instagram under the images that were shared by Self Magazine's new digital 'zine. 

On the cover, and in these images, is plus size model Tess Holliday. The title reads, "Tess Holiday's Health is None of Your Business".

The comment threads were an actual war zone. A few YASSS QUEEN's and Thank You Self!'s strewn among hundreds upon hundreds of "this is insanity, this promotes obesity", "there's no way she's healthy", "how can you glorify such an unhealthy lifestyle?", to which the back and forth internet arguing ensued.

And I read it all. In absolute horrified awe.

The irony of the actual title of the article and the tone of the majority of the comments was palpable. HER HEALTH IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. And yet, here were hundreds of "concern trolls" sizing up exactly what they presumed her health to be, and telling her she's doing it wrong. Telling Self they should be ashamed of themselves for putting this woman on their cover and in their Instagram feed.

And HOLY SHIT you guys, we need to talk. I almost don't even know where to start with this, and even though I hope that none of MY readers were leaving these comments, it still warrants a conversation because it's evident that we still have a lot of work to do. So let's start here.

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[A quick side note/disclaimer. I don't generally read any of these health magazines, and I don't know much about Tess Holliday as a person, and I'm not here to defend either one of these things. This post is about the bigger picture here, and the principle of the matter, especially as it relates to the growing movement of "body positivity". Also worth noting: There are a LOT of facets + considerations in this topic and I don't cover them all here. I also am not claiming to do any of this perfectly or that I am an expert on these things. I am most certainly still learning and doing the best I can, and sharing what I've learned along the way.]

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Tess Holliday for Self Magazine

"THIS IS CELEBRATING AN UNHEALTHY PERSON"

First: I hate to break it to these trolls, but we have been "celebrating" unhealthy people for a long ass time. You think the women who traditionally make the cover of magazines, especially back in the 90's, when protruding ribs and collarbones were in vogue, are healthy? You think that giving yourself metabolic damage, obsessing over body fat, forcing yourself into a size or shape, living with 6% body fat, or otherwise suffering to fit into an impossible aesthetic is healthy?

It often doesn't even get a second look (the proof of this is literally on the shelf in the magazine section right now), and the reason is this: THOSE body types are considered "desirable". They are socially accepted. They are what our culture puts on a pedestal. That is what we have decided we value. THOSE BODIES ARE GOOD. 

Never mind that you can't tell even a fucking OUNCE of truth as to what that person's medical health is actually like by looking at them. Never mind that thin or fit does not inherently equal health in any universe. Never mind that mental health and body image are major factors in over all health, and that lean people can lead some of the arguably most unhealthy lifestyles around, with the biggest risk factors for a premature death (but you'll never see commenters "concerned" for their health). Never mind all that, right?

You simply CANNOT know the inner workings of someone's overall health just by looking at them. And thinking that you CAN, is the foundation of the one single remaining types of oppression and discrimination that is still 10000% socially acceptable: fat shaming. 

All of the body shaming comments are under the guise of "health". And while I'm not going to deny that at a certain point, weight and health are linked, it is absolutely beyond me how ANYONE could ever take it upon themselves to shame a total stranger, tell them that they are living wrong, and should never be on the cover of a magazine.

Which brings me to my next point, and here's where things get pretty interesting, so I hope you're sitting down:

Even if she is unhealthy, does she not deserve to be celebrated?

Like I hope I made clear here, body size is not a metric for health. It's just not that simple. But more importantly, health is not a metric for worth. Let's say that all together now:

HEALTH IS NOT A MEASURE OF YOUR WORTH.

Every single body, regardless of color, shape, gender, size, sexual preference, ability, or health, is valuable, and is allowed to exist without your opinion, input or "concern". Every body deserves respect, and every body deserves to be celebrated.

 

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT BODY POSITIVITY

These days, "body positivity" is everywhere, and almost always, it's used synonymously with "self love". It's perceived as an internal project to be positive about one's own body, and the morphing and misinterpretation of this movement is creating some issues that we need to address.

Body positivity is not self love.

The origins of the body positivity movement are rooted in rejection against the notion that there are good bodies and there are bad bodies. It was a response to the diet and fat-fearing culture and it created awareness and a stage to fight against the blatant discrimination that fat bodies, bodies of color, disabled bodies, trans bodies, and other bodies have been facing, pretty much since the dawn of time in our society.

It was a political and social rebellion against the systematic oppression of bodies that were far from the likeness of the thin, cis, able bodied, white women who were on the covers of magazines. 

Body positivity was fighting for resources, representation, respect, and equal treatment (by medical establishments, workplaces, and more) for people who live in marginalized bodies. 

And while you know I'm always here for self love, we need to understand how the takeover of this movement is hurting the very reason it was created in the first place. 

"The current body-positivity movement has failed to address this systemic discrimination as its foremothers did. Instead, the movement has focused on feelings and empowerment as a means of opening it up to all, instead of zeroing in on those who still face rampant discrimination.

'On social media, it actually gets worse for fat bodies: We’re not just being erased from body positivity, fat women are being actively vilified,' she wrote. 'Health has become the stick with which to beat fat people with, and the benchmark for whether body positivity should include someone.'"  //   (from The Fragility of Body Positivity)

Which brings me back to our conversation about the cover of Self. Aside from the (very fucking important, ok) fact that you can't tell jack shit about Tess' health by looking at her photo, let's, for the sake of argument, say she's not healthy. 

Suggesting that that immediately disqualifies her as a body that's able to be seen, or (gasp!) celebrated, is a big, big problem. THIS IS FAT SHAMING. This is fat phobia. 

This is ONE THOUSAND percent discrimination, and quite ironically, the very notion that the actual body positivity movement is fighting against (which, by the way, Tess happens to be a leader in).

That is quite literally saying that only some bodies deserve celebration and respect (or to simply be SEEN!), and others do not. 

A lot of this misunderstanding is thanks to corporations who see this movement happening and are trying to capitalize on it. 

"What should be a mission toward all-encompassing inclusivity has taken on its own form of exclusivity, thanks to advertisements featuring mainly one type of woman. 'Body positivity encompasses much more than the curvy, white, straight, feminine bodies that may occasionally tout cellulite or stretch marks in an advertisement,'" // (from the Huffington Post)

(For a super interesting read on the twisted capitalizing of this movement and the messages being shared, I highly recommend this article: Body Positivity is a Scam)

We like to see some deviation from the traditionally celebrated norm, but not too much. Show us real bodies, but only ones that look like mine. All bodies are beautiful, but only up to a point.

Guys.

PRIVELEGE, HYPOCRACY + MORALITY   

As one commenter, Jess, put it, "this makes me concerned about the body positive movement. There's a big difference between helping women be ok with some cellulite and promoting obesity."

First: Is representation of real human bodies promoting obesity? Do those bodies not reserve the right to live how they want and exist without persecution? Do we get to decide who can be seen, and who needs to stay in the shadows, while we all ring the bell and chant "shame" at them?

Since when do we all get to stand in our fear-based self righteousness and declare who is living to our standards and who is not? Since when do we get to wear the BODY POSITIVITY sandwich board and say all bodies are good, while spitting at bodies like Tess's? 

Secondly: In this day and age where we are recognizing privileges, calling out double standards, and taking a close look at our biases, I'd like to request that we add this to the list of things to sit with, examine, and work through. 

Your privilege, Jess, (and hundreds of other commenters) is that you already live in a body that is accepted without question in today's society. Your privilege is that you'll probably never get body shamed and berated by hundreds of strangers on the internet. 

Thirdly: Save your concern, because body positivity at it's core is not about conventionally attractive, thin women being positive about their bodies, but instead for the reality of life for bodies who face a very real lack of fundamental resources and are routinely ostracized and marginalized by establishments and our culture at large (by people like you, Jess).

But do I blame you personally? Hard to say. Your views are the result of a culture that respects and values one body type, and one body type only. A culture that fears fat more than anything in the world and makes us all believe that our body (and how much fat we carry on it) determines whether we are good or bad, and therefore deserve to be celebrated or not.

And as @applesaucemama pointed out, we clearly need to take this conversation one step further, and get a little louder for the cheap seats in the back.

"Sure you can accept yourself in any way, shape or form. You deserve love. But I don't have to accept misguided non-truths that this is healthy, desirable, or beautiful to the common eye".

Or in other words, accept yourself but don't make me look at it.

This thinking puts the impetus BACK on oppressed bodies, and suggests that the work that needs to be done here is on them to love themselves, but keep it over there in the shadows, because it has nothing to do with us. Reinforcing oppressive systems and keeping the stigma for these bodies alive and well. 

Lastly, intertwining the terms 'healthy', 'desirable', and 'beautiful' is no mistake here. We only consider "healthy" bodies to be beautiful, and we think we know EXACTLY what a healthy body looks like. (But do we? Really?)

DEAR TROLLS, PLEASE HEAR THIS:

NO ONE owes you beauty. Or thinness. Or desirability. Or health. NOT EVEN when on a magazine cover. So sit down and STFU.

#BOPO

To be fair, I'm not hating on the mainstream version of body positivity: the one that says we all deserve to love ourselves, no matter what our shape. This is important work (work that I myself help women do!), and I don't for a second want to minimize the importance of that idea.

However, if your version of #bopo doesn't include marginalized bodies, I'm not here for it. And if you're using #bopo as a means to shame another body, I'm not here for it either. 

We cannot allow this movement to be used AGAINST the very people it was created by and for.

 I also think that we ARE making some strides in the right direction on this front (Tess' cover as exhibit A, among other big departures from the norm that are sprinkled around the media + advertisements these days). But if these comment threads were any indication, we still have a long way to go to be sure that ALL bodies are seen as good, worthy, and allowed to exist without persecution.

So today I'll leave you with this:

To a culture that is cheerleading the trendiness of unphotoshopped ads, celebrating seeing women like Ashley Graham on the cover of SI, and swimming in the warm fuzzies of embracing our cellulite, but throws verbally abusive stones at anyone who chooses to reject the socially acceptable way to exist and stands proudly in her nonconforming skin: get your shit together.

"Body positivity can’t focus on thin, white women and simultaneously tackle discrimination against fat, trans, and disabled people. Expanding legal protections must be the focus, otherwise the outcomes of our lives will continue to be determined by fatphobia, transphobia, and ableism. Until body positivity centers that, the message will continue to be that all bodies are good bodies, but some bodies are still treated better than others."   //  (from The Fragility of Body Positivity) 

So, friend, embrace the skin you're in and work to feel at home in your own body, but please know that the work doesn't stop there.

We must stop the hierarchy of bodies, examine our deeply held phobias and biases (including our fear of fat), do our part to educate ourselves and our communities, encourage representation of all kinds, support marginalized bodies and voices, strive for actual systematic and political change, and just let a bitch live her life.

Let's work to not only empower ourselves, but to empower others, no matter (or especially!) if they don't align with the acceptable societal norm.

I hope we can all work to become truly body positive.

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FOR SOME MORE RESOURCES ON THIS CONVERSATION, I RECOMMEND FOLLOWING:

@sassylatte | @thefatsextherapist | @themilitantbaker | @watchshayslay | @bodyimage_therapist

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Conquering Gymtimidation: Five Ways to Quiet Your Insecurities in the Gym

For a lot of women, gyms are scary places. I am one of those women. Back in my late teens and twenties, I was a fair weather exerciser-- I always had a membership to the local Crunch or Planet Fitness, but nothing about the experience was fun for me.

I wrote about being scared of gyms this in this post here.

For one, I was never comfortable being in tight, form fitting spandex, so even dressing for the occasion brought more anxiety than you can imagine (or, maybe you can). I hated how I couldn't really hide the lumps and bumps I was used to hiding in regular clothes, and feared intensely that people would stare at everything that jiggled when I moved around. 

Secondly, I was so overwhelmed by the machinery in these places that I didn't even bother trying to figure them out. I didn't want to look like the newb or a total bonehead so I would just steer clear altogether, instead finding a treadmill in the back of the room to jog on (for like 8 minutes or until I couldn't take it anymore, whichever came first), or attending group classes. I didn't mind the group classes as much, but I would never call anything about the experience FUN.

The first time I walked into a CrossFit gym in 2012, I was actually feeling pretty confident in my fitness (I mean, after all, I WAS doing P90x and Jillian Michaels and Insanity at home-- I've always much preferred at-home workouts than any gym space), and was looking for more of a challenge. And a challenge, I sure got.

My confidence was quickly crushed as I realized that this shit was hard. Way harder than I was expecting, and I was so weak, less athletic, and uncoordinated, compared to the other kids in class. My love of competition and seeing myself improve ultimately edged out those feelings of insecurity, but even today, I still have pockets of that same anxiety and intimidation.

If I'm a little off my game, more out of shape than usual (like I currently am, TYSM), feeling slow, weak, or otherwise not performing at my best-of-the-best capability, I still feel that same exact insecurity start to talk to me:

This is embarrassing; people are watching you flail; this should be easier; how is she already done?; everyone is shocked by how out of shape you are; I'm finishing dead last; this is so embarrassing that I can't do muscle ups anymore; god, I suck at this.

Most of the time, I keep those thoughts at bay, and truly love some fun competition, the feeling of being challenged, getting my ass kicked, and knowing I have a lot to work on. But sometimes, they not only appear, they take over.

Before I know it I'll feel a lump in my throat, my heart drop in utter defeat, and tears form, as I sink into a deep disappointment with myself. Yeah, it happens to me too. In fact, it happened to me this week.

If you've ever felt that same thought train move through your mind as you are working out, if you've ever felt like you need to get in shape before you join a gym, if you feel disappointed that you "only" did the scaled weight, if you feel like you "lose" or suck every time you WOD with the class, or if you feel like all eyes are on you, judging your athleticism, body, fitness or life choices when you're in the gym, this post is for you.

Here are 5 ways to quiet that insecurity dragon and start to enjoy the experience of working out:

1. FIND YOUR WHY. Having a reason to exercise, beyond the weight loss or aesthetic considerations, is imperative to understanding the value of the experience. Are you there to win every workout? Or are you there because it clears your mind and allows you a sense of freedom? I listed my reasons why I train in this Instagram post if you need some ideas.

Find the REAL stuff that you love about moving your body, your sport, classes, program or gym, and write that shit down if you need to. Memorize it, believe it, and remind yourself of it when you're getting sucked into the not-good-enough vortex.

2. SHOP AROUND. Standing alone in a florescent lit room filled with scary machinery I didn't understand was not for me. Running on a hamster wheel was not for me. I found something (CrossFit) that excited me, scared me in the good way, and kept my interest: you need to find yours. 

Try different sports or activities (barre, yoga, weightlifting, powerlifting, pilates, etc) and take note of what actually fires you up and you want more of. Once you've found your sport of choice, make sure you find the right gym with the right coaches and people! This is critical to keep you feeling inspired, supported, capable, and most importantly: eager to learn and improve, and want to come back for more.

Wanting to be better at something you truly enjoy helps keep you grounded, focused, and playing the long game, versus feeling crushed every time you can't do something. Plus, having a community of people rooting for you is always a nice pick-me-up that can be *just* the safety net you need when you're feeling less than awesome.

If it's not FUN, you're doing it wrong. Find your people.

3. ENTER INTO YOUR WORKOUTS WITH AN INTENTION. Before the workout begins, give yourself an intention. This will change from day to day based on how you're feeling (sore? PMS'ing? Strong AF? Exhausted?), so check in with yourself and think about what you want most out of this specific workout, on this day.

Maybe you feel like going 100% full throttle today, and you want to test that limit. Maybe your intention is to make it through the run without stopping. Maybe your intention is to attempt the RX weight, or maybe you simply want to move, so you scale down.

This helps you to remember that you are on your own journey, and this moment is yours. You are here training for reasons that no one else needs to understand, compete with, or judge. Think of your why, consider how your body and mind feels, and give yourself a focus for each workout.

When the workout is over, think about what what well for you, what you were proud of, and what you loved the most. Don't dock points to yourself because you scaled, you finished last, or any other comparison-focused note. What was awesome about it for YOU?

4. ACCEPT THAT VALLEYS COME WITH THE PEAKS. As I just mentioned, you are on a journey here, and it is your own. Like any process or path, it won't always be smooth sailing, PRs, high fives, and winning the leaderboard. Some seasons allow you to push, grow and improve, and some seasons require that you maintain, ease off, or change courses. 

Read more about the seasons of life and training in this post and this post.

Not every day will be stellar, and if you are expecting that, then you may be disappointed when you have an off day (or week. Or month). Understand that this is natural part of the cycle, and take it in stride. And most importantly:

5. KEEP SHOWING UP. Whatever you do, don't let those voices in your head win! Keep showing up. If you haven't found your flavor of exercise yet, revisit #2. If you don't know what you're doing when you're there, revisit #1 and #3. If you feel like you've been having an "off day" for 4 months now, revisit #4 and accept the season you are in.

But keep. showing. up. This effort is paramount to showing yourself that you are bigger than those stupid voices, that you value what you get from working out more than your insecurities, and that you are working with yourself in your own best interest, instead of against yourself. It might take a while to get over the initial hump and find your rhythm, but whatever you do, don't throw in the towel. Get yourself back on the horse!

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway is the number one way to build confidence in yourself. Even if the outcome isn't exactly what you hoped for, you will still feel pride for facing something that scared you, and doing your best.

Fun, pride, and better self esteem is on the other side of those fears. Do what you need to do to get yourself in the door, keep your why at the forefront of your mind, move with intention, appreciate your own, unique journey, lean on your support system, and take the off days in stride.

And don't ever, ever, EVER, let anyone ever make you feel like you don't belong in these spaces. And that includes yourself. You belong anywhere you want to be, so don't ever forget that.

I hope that these steps help you conquer the all too common gymtimidation, whether it's something you struggle with a lot, or something that may have caught you off guard in one particularly awful workout. We ALL deal with these feelings sometimes so know that you are certainly not alone. Working out, moving your body, getting stronger, and challenging yourself should (and can be!) be FUN! 

I want to hear from you: Do you have a tactic you use to edge out those voices insecurity and defeat? Share in the comments below!

Happy training,

xo

Taylor

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Want More Confidence? Do This.

I gathered up all the loose furniture I could and pushed it into a pile against the door in my motel room in an effort to create a (flimsy) barricade.  I was sitting on the bed sobbing. Terrified. Alone. Somewhere in the middle of Appalachia. Just turned 21.

Just that morning, I had gotten in my Nissan Pathfinder, hit play on the epic playlist I created, and left my parent's home in Maine. Where was I headed? The wild west. I had never been to Colorado before, knew of only one distant family friend who maybe lived in Denver (but wasn't really sure where that was?), and I had certainly never been to Vail, which was way up into the mountains, and my ultimate destination. 

I had gotten a job at a restaurant there because a few months prior, I had filled out an application just for fun with some friends. We were working at a summer resort on the island of Martha's Vineyard, just off of Cape Cod, and a winter resort (Vail) had sent out a recruiter to find some seasonal workers. My friends decided to go fill out applications and pick up some free branded swag, and then we went on with our day, never expecting it to turn into anything.

Weeks later I had a quick phone interview, got the job after that, and then suddenly things became real. Am I really doing this? I guess I'm moving? I mean I have nothing really holding me here, it could be fun? But then things got REALLY real when I found out that at the last minute that none of my friends would be making this move with me: they were all foreign (Jamaican and Scottish), and did not get approved for their visas.

So. There I was. Moving to a place I had never been and couldn't even point to on a map, where I knew precisely no one, all by myself. I skied once before in high school and hated it. Why was I doing this? I kept thinking of the photo of Vail on that poster she showed us: twinkly lights sparkling at night. Seemed warm and welcoming. I think I'd like it there? Maybe it would work out?

It all seemed like fun and games until I was in that motel room alone, and the weight of this risk hit me like a ton of bricks. I was terrified. WHAT AM I FUCKING DOING?

I managed to get some sleep that night and hit the road again in the morning, and after a couple days of driving, sketchy rest stops and cheap motels, lots of nerves, anxiousness, and many moments of desperate, shaky, fearful, tears, I hit the foothills and began to climb into the Rockies. 

My fear melted into absolute astonishment, and then excitement. Being an east coaster, I had never seen anything like these mountains before. I. was. blown. away. The tears kept coming, but now they were of sheer awe.

I made it to Vail, moved into my employee housing (read: dorms), and began the most amazing chapter of my life. I met my best friend in that apartment that night, I met my husband a few months later, and I had the time of my life exploring the Rockies and the great American Southwest. And I even learned how to ski. Suffice it to say: It more than worked out.

So what does this story have to do with confidence, you may be wondering? 

This crazy jump out of my comfort zone did something pretty amazing for me, beyond the bff and husband and fun memories.

Looking my terror straight in the eye and saying "I can do this"; feeling the rush of adrenaline as I took the leap;  ultimately realizing that yes, I could do that, and I did do that!, gave me CONFIDENCE. I realized that I could rely on myself, that I was capable of making it work, and that I can do scary things.

Now, if you're looking for a boost of confidence, do you have to drop everything and quit your job and move across the country alone? Um, no. (But you could!)

But the thing that is guaranteed to bring you a tingly, thrilling, major boost of "fuck yeah", is getting out of your comfort zone in ANY. WAY. AT. ALL.

I've felt the same rush and boost from moving cross country solo, as facing intimidating things in the gym, or speaking up when I was nervous, taking my shirt off during a workout, doing my first Facebook Live to my audience, or taking even the smallest steps into uncomfortable territory. Usually the places that we are most insecure in our life are the ones where we can benefit the most from pushing our own (self-imposed) boundaries. But if you're not quite there yet, here's some great news: this fear-facing has a spillover effect into every area of life.

No matter where or how you step up and push your boundaries, you'll soon find yourself emboldened in other areas of life. Facing your fear of showing up to the gym in stretchy pants in all your jiggly glory can make you a gillion percent more likely to use your voice in your next meeting, or try something else that's new and scary. It's just science.

Cuz here's the truth: CONFIDENCE IS AN EXERCISE. And the more you practice it, the better at it you'll become.

The sheer act of taking a risk, or being vulnerable, or facing the scary thing right in the eyes, and making it out the other side alive is invigorating. This is the space in which confidence, a belief in yourself, and the ultimate trust of your own capabilities, is built. 

Action inspires feeling, not the other way around. Do something that takes courage, and you'll feel courageous. Ya dig?

Years ago, I wouldn't have been caught dead in this. Lots of small moments practicing confidence later, and here we are.

If you want more confidence, you've got to get uncomfortable. Or as Brene Brown says, "you can't get to courage without walking through vulnerability".

To be clear: it's not about not having the fear. It's having the fear and doing it anyway. There's nothing in the entire world that's even CLOSE to that rush: it's the most fulfilling and exhilarating feeling you can have. Because it reminds you of your immeasurable strength, and all the real possibilities for you in this life.

And remember that even though major moves and actions are sure to do the job, small steps can be just as impactful. One small thing gives you a boost to face another small thing, and the cycle continues, and it adds up. Action inspires feeling. Every time you do something a little scary, you realize, oh, that wasn't nearly as bad as you had imagined it would be, and the next time becomes that much easier. And that's how we get there.

(Note: yes, there are more roads to Confidence Land than just this, but I still encourage you to try it).

And if you're still consumed with fear and the possibility of "failure", you need to understand that even if your risk doesn't work out the way you thought it would, you will STILL get the benefits of taking the risk in the first place. But this time, with an added bonus: more knowledge and information to carry forward into your next adventure. You faced a gamble, you bet on yourself, you learned something, and you probably got a great story to boot. How rad is that? 

(Betting on yourself and trusting your gut is Step #5 in the Five Steps to Becoming Unfuckwithable. Definitely read or revisit this post for a good reminder!)

So. If you've found yourself in envy of those women who don't care what others think, wear what they want, take risks, aren't afraid to speak up, or generally just carry themselves with confidence, know that the thing that most likely got them there was gently pushing the boundaries of their own comfort zone, and then using that momentum to push it again even further, until it wasn't scary anymore.

And hey woah! Don't get sucked into thinking of course it's easy for her to wear that because of her "perfect" body, or some version of 'she doesn't have insecurities or fears'. We ALL have the narratives in our heads and our own inner critic (and sometimes external voices as well!) telling us we can't or we shouldn't or we're not ready or not worthy in some way or another. The difference lies in how we respond to those stories. Are you letting it define you and keep you in a place of fear and limits? Or are you going to look it in the face and challenge it to a match?

And you? Yes. You can do that. I challenge you to find a way to do one thing TODAY that scares the shit out of you. And I'm not talking about just finding something terrible and suffering through it for the sake of toughening yourself up. I'm talking about the things that you've always wanted to do, but have never felt brave enough, ready enough, worthy enough or strong enough to take on or try.

Don't wait for the opportunity, and sure as shit don't wait until you're ready. (You'll never be ready). 

Take action and get comfortable with being uncomfortable, and watch your belief in yourself, your abilities, your adaptability and your strength grow into confidence.

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Thoughts on Being My Own Biggest Obstacle + Finding My Power

“I am writing an instruction manual on how to find yourself when you are both the search party and the sea.” -Tyler Kent White.

I can be my own biggest obstacle. I can be quick to judge, I can be quicker to react. I sometimes worry too much what other people may think, and I can get lost in the narratives swimming in my own head. I can be brash, emotional, highly sensitive and take things far too personally. I can be bull headed and insecure and slow to forgive. Positivity doesn’t come naturally to me, I default to cynicism and distance. I can take out feelings of stress or fear on those around me. I don’t always practice what I preach.

But within this sea of turbulence and distress, I am learning to shine a search light of peace. I’ve never been afraid to speak up, but I’m learning to pick my battles. I’ll always feel things deeply, but I’m practicing how to let the things go that do not serve me. I feel my strongest when I’m lifting others up, but know I can do it better. And I need to learn how to do it for myself. I will always cherish my alone time, but I’m distinguishing refuel from withdrawal.

I’m the teacher and the student, and I am weakness and strength. I am messy and imperfect, a paradoxical contradiction, and my own biggest obstacle. I am the search party and the sea, and some days I am more one than I am the other.

This swirling, winding, scary, and oftentimes maddening pursuit of illuminating the path to my own strength and getting out of my own way isn’t easy, and it will never go perfectly. But I’d rather be out exploring, struggling and swimming in the wild unknown, than tucked away in a safe harbor, never knowing my true power.

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This was originally posted on my She Thrives Instagram account. Be sure to add me there for daily mini blogs, @shethrivesblog.

A Social Media Detox Guide: How to Internet When Everything Sucks

Social media sucks sometimes. Like, a lot. I mean yes it's amazing in so many ways (we wouldn't be able to connect if it weren't for social media, btw), but I think we're all familiar with how quickly it can turn to awesome to... awful.

It can be a struggle on lots of different levels. As a business owner, it's beyond frustrating to not have your audience actually see the content your working your buns off to create. It can be hard when you see the work you poured your heart and soul and endless hours into, launch to crickets; while a random meme or silly post gets a million likes and shares. And between me and you, it can also be disheartening to see other pages grow to hundreds of thousands of followers while they put out butt photos paired with "inspirational quotes", or don't offer real value in any way, while the pages who are working hard on thoughtful content get left in the dust. It's pretty tough to not play the comparison game, even a little.

It's also no secret to anyone that scrolling is a total time suck. I read recently that we check our phones upwards of 150 times a day. A DAY! What we're always looking for in there, I don't know. But I do know that the more we scroll, the less connected we actually feel to real humans in our real life.

And then, there's the actual news in our news feeds. Lately, we have just been inundated with awful story after terrible story after heartbreaking news, and it often leaves us feeling angry, sad, frustrated, or worse: ambivalent.  

I've spent some time talking about social media struggles before, and most recently on this dichotomy of identity: how social media allows us to find our tribe (which is amazing), but how it also tend to split things into black and white. You're either on this side or that side, and there's no room for the actual nuance of the human experience. Let alone, calm, respectful conversation.

I've been really feeling the pull of all of this negativity lately and so I wanted to share some tips with you (and also to remind myself, let's be real) about how to get out of the social media suckfest when it starts taking hold.

1. Set boundaries. (If you have #fomo, remember social media will always be there, and you're not seeing posts in real time anymore anyway, so what are you really missing?) Some ideas:

• Turn off all notifications so that you're not pulled in by every ping all day long. Decide on check in times throughout the day and stick to them. 
• Leave your phone at home/in your car while you're in the gym.
• No screens in the bedroom.
• Leave your phone in your purse and put it in the backseat while driving.
• Designate check in times and/or no-phone-allowed times and honor them.

2. Unfollow. You're in control of what media you consume (for the most part). While it's always great to be exposed to people with different views, in order to have thoughtful conversations that expand our horizons and get us out of what can definitely be an echo chamber at times, there's a fine line between positively challenging concepts and dialogues, and pure garbage that does. not. serve you. I challenge you to go into your feed right now and unfollow 10 people who leave you feeling defeated or less than, every time. Be selective and find the people who lift you up, push you forward, and make you feel empowered to take action IRL.

3. Focus on you. Ever notice how you're more susceptible to feeling insecure about something, when it's something you're insecure about? If you're getting sucked into the comparison game, whether that's in business, body, success or other areas, it's time to help these insecurities in a real way. (Not seeing what everyone else is doing about them). Get in touch with and support yourself with these strategies:

• Read. Replace your scrolling time with self improvement time. How can you get more in touch with yourself? How can you improve your relationships with those around you? What do you want to learn more about? How can you be a bigger, more complex human? Some of my favorite books to create positive growth are The Happiness Project and Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, and Loving What Is by Byron Katie.
• Move. Physical activity does so much (duh), but the rush of endorphins can often be enough to snap you out of funk all on it's own. Find something that is challenging or zen enough so that you are forced to be in the moment and let everything else fall away around you. Focus in on how your body feels in these moments, and be grateful you have this ability.
• Create. What wells of creativity can you tap into? Do you love to cook, write, paint, take photos? (And if this sends you into a comparison game all on it's own, I encourage you to go back to step 1 and read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and/or Daring Greatly. Share your magic with the world, it needs it more than ever.
• Hang IRL. Social media is slippery little minx because it gives us this illusion of connectivity but without any of the real benefits. Humans need social connection; we are just wired this way. If you're slacking on the in-real-life connection time with your friends, your partner, your mom, or literally anyone who you love and who supports you, it's time to pick up the phone and make a date to make that happen. (Or literally just talk on the phone. It's better than scrolling, I promise). Bonus points if you hang outside somewhere. Go for a walk, get some sun, get in the nature. Small acts of kindness for others IRL can go a long way in spreading good vibes and helping you feel better, simultaneously.
• Ask for help. No matter what's bringing you down (the news, your own feelings about things, or anything else), you don't have to go it alone. As Melissa Hartwig says, when you have moments of courage, tell on yourself. Meaning, share your feelings with a friend, because shame cannot survive being spoken. Don't be afraid to speak up or have a difficult conversation.

4. Take action. While focusing on you is always a noble endeavor, it can help to get outside of ourselves and minds and actually DO something. If you are looking for motivation, put the fucking phone down (your motivation isn't in there, no matter what #motivationmonday might have you believe). Motivation comes from taking action, NOT the other way around. What's one small thing you can do RIGHT NOW that  will be a small step in the direction you want to go or make an impact on what's important to you?  It doesn't need to be a sweeping overhaul, it can be one. tiny. step. Just do something.

5. Shut it down. Now I realize that for those of us who run an online business, this isn't always possible. You can't just shut off your phone for 2 weeks at any given moment. But, there might be some ways to create workarounds. Due to the scheduling feature that every app (except for IG) has, you can spend some extra time up front getting a bunch of your posts ready to go, so that you can carve out a whole day or a whole weekend where you don't log in even once. And if you have the ability to do this at any given time, try it. I deleted Instagram off my phone for a week this summer and it was the most incredible thing I could have done for my mental health. I wrote all about it here.

6. Share your light. If you're feeling overwhelmed by the stuff you're seeing in the news, know that it's ok to feel sadness or grief or anger. Let these feelings sit with you and embrace them. Then, decide how you want to move forward. My best suggestion is this:

• Channel that energy and create something. Put your voice out there, connect with someone else, share your story, spread your magic. It might seem insignificant, but it's not. The world needs you right now.
• Get involved. Similar to #5, but in a more community focused way. Take action in a way that matters to you. Donate money, or better yet, time, or find a way to help make an impact. The little things go a long way, so don't be discouraged that you're just one person. Again, the world needs you right now.

And above all else, remember this: 

What you see in your feed is the polished, edited, filtered, best-of, highlight reel. Do not compare your behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel. It might look like they have their shit together and figured out, but let me tell you right now: no one has their shit together. We are all just figuring it out as we go. Have patience with yourself.
 

And most importantly, your worth as a woman, entrepreneur, mom, exerciser, and overall human being does not lie in your likes per photo or your follower count. Remember what's important in this world and let the numbers go.
 

Social media can be an incredible thing, and it can (and has!) done so much good. Try to remember to use it as a tool to help better the world and yourself, and don't let the rest get you down.

xo,

Taylor

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The 4 Biggest Health + Fitness Myths You Need to Stop Believing Right Now

It’s no surprise to anyone that the health and fitness world is one with LOTS of noise. The problems in this industry range far and wide, from old science and just BAD information, to assaulting you with you with “shoulds” every minute of every day, to preying on your own insecurities to make you feel guilty or ashamed of your body or your lifestyle. As such, there’s A LOT of things I could rant on here (and I tend to address some of these points in most of my posts here on this blog), but today I wanted to focus on the following four, as these misconceptions can leave us feeling broken, hungry, frustrated or, at worst, sick. And notably, all of these are coming from industry leaders.

Because even as most of us become more knowledgable, more confident, and more aware of the fitness and nutrition industry nonsense machine, a few messages still seem to be getting through that I wish my readers (and everyone!) would stop believing.

And of course, all of these could be their own post (or book!), so I’m touching on the most important points briefly. You ready? Here goes.

#1: EAT LESS, MOVE MORE

This one can be confusing, because not only is it age old advice that we’ve all heard in some capacity a million times over from doctors and nutritionists and magazines and even our coaches or trainers, but it CAN actually work for some people.

For some folks, all they need to do to change their health, body and life is to begin to move more, and mind what they're eating; usually dropping their daily caloric intake and going for a run. These people are usually severely overweight, untrained, sedentary, or otherwise totally new to their own health journey. As such, this advice can be impactful for this population, at least for some period of time.

However, if you have been training for a while, are a regular exerciser or a regular intense exerciser (hello, CrossFitters!), this strategy simply does not work. At some point, being on a severe caloric deficit actually begins to work AGAINST you, and if you’re trying to fix it by training even more and eating even less, you will not only feel it in the gym and in your overall energy levels, but you'll probably see it on your waistline too.

The path to a hard body, a healthy gut and a happy mind is paved with smart training and sufficient fuel. Not lettuce for dinner and 3 hours of cardio. In fact, spending hours on end at low or moderate intensity (jogging, etc) can also be working against you. Want to get lean and strong? Ditch the cardio and pick up the weights. And eat to support your training.

Eating more can be a scary thing for a lot of women, because the industry has told us it's wrong or bad. The best place to start to ensure you’re eating enough to support your muscle, fat loss efforts, energy levels and overall health and well being? Enough carbs and adequate protein. (And no, I don’t just mean 2 eggs for breakfast and a yogurt snack pack). This leads us into myth #2.

More reading on this topic: 

Cardio vs strength training: which is better for fat loss?

All about macros

Why eating less is sabotaging your weight loss efforts

Watch: How eating MORE can get you closer to your goals

#2: YOUR BODY CAN ONLY ABSORB 20-30G OF PROTEIN PER SITTING

Years and years ago, there used to be a concept swirling around in the nutrition world that said that a human body can only absorb 20-30g of protein in one sitting, and all protein consumed beyond this point would either go to waste or be stored as fat. These days, this is widely understood to be a myth (any quick Google could tell you that— this topic is WELL researched, with many definitive studies), but yet I STILL see it being perpetuated in some circles. This can be especially misleading and confusing for those who are trying their darnedest to up their protein intake and properly address myth #1. You're eating too much, you need to eat more. You need more protein, you're eating too much protein.. So, let’s talk.

First of all we need to remember that protein does a hell of a lot more than just support our gainz. Studies have shown that 20-30g of protein seems to be the amount that tends to be used towards protein synthesis, or muscle repair and building, and about how much we absorb at any given time. But just because we don't absorb it ALL AT ONCE doesn't mean it doesn't eventually get absorbed and used! Our body’s use for protein does not begin and end with muscle building. And most studies on this topic have shown that upward of 90% of the protein you eat, eventually gets absorbed and gets put to good use in one way or another. 

(But on the topic of muscle building, studies on intermittent fasting and protein consumption have shown that consuming an entire day’s worth of protein in a short window did not negatively impact muscle retention and growth, which further shows us that protein absorption was not hindered by high intake all at once).

And evolutionarily speaking, how could that really make sense? When our primal ancestors hunted and feasted on a rare animal protein, do you think their bodies simply stopped absorbing more than a neat little 3 oz serving at one time? Um, no. As Mark Sisson puts it, "Digestion takes a long time, and it’s not a segmented procession of different meals through the gastrointestinal tract. Food isn’t separated into 'meals' in your stomach. It’s just all food, all mashed together. If you still have breakfast in your stomach when your lunch enters the picture, lunch and breakfast will meet and mingle."

Now, I will say there's a variability element to consider here. For example, a petite, 5’ 2” 100 pound sedentary woman might not absorb and utilize the exact same amount as a 250 lb, 6’ 4” strongman competitor or linebacker, because your body will absorb and use what it NEEDS— it doesn’t just stop at some arbitrary number or "meal". (And how much do you really need? That's a huge source of confusion, too. But no. it's NOT the RDA, and no, you're not getting enough. Read this & the links below). 

Other factors, like your protein sources and your body’s levels of micronutrients like zinc (along with anti-nutrients like lectin and phytate) also play a role in absorption. And wild excess CAN start to work against some bodies at some point, just like anything else (we’re talking WILD excess though).

The research and science is clear here. So can we put this myth to rest already? Your body will use ANY amount of protein you feed it in a sitting, somehow, someway, so always be sure you're getting enough.

Read more on this topic:

How much protein should I be eating?

The benefits of a high protein diet

Why protein is so important beyond muscle growth

#3: PLANT BASED IS THE HEALTHIEST DIET

So I do want to preface this section with this: I am a firm supporter of the Do You Boo system. Meaning, if plant based makes you feel fucking radiant, then do it. I also realize that some people choose this eating style for a variety of reasons, like simple taste or texture preference, and I understand that. This is mostly for those who feel like they NEED to be plant based in order to be healthier. 

If you are opting to go without any animal products (or animal protein) simply based on the claim that this is the superior diet for ultimate health, I encourage you do some more reading on this topic.

(And there’s no denying the health benefits of plants here— I’m NOT suggesting you stop eating veggies! We must make sure we are getting adequate greens and micronutrients in a large variety and volume on a daily basis for our health, period. But if we stop there, we are coming up short.)

Because there's SO MUCH to unpack in this topic, and the rabbit holes run DEEP down every single argument to this claim, I decided to just offer some extra reading for you here, if you're interested. Again, do what makes YOU feel BEST. 

But I do want to say this, as it builds off out last 2 myths: If you are attempting to sustain yourself on solely plant based protein sources, man alive have you got your work cut out for you. Adding hemp seeds to your salad just isn’t going to cut it. If getting TRUE adequate protein while eating chicken breast and steak is a lot of work, can you image how hard it is to get there with seeds and grains alone? (Which, btw, aren't protein sources, they are fat and carb sources, respectively, with a little protein).

And while there are some legit plant based protein sources, most of the popular ones actually work against internal health: namely things like soy, grains and legumes.

There is no one diet that is perfect for everyone and I encourage you to experiment with everything to find what works for you, but if you're feeling pressure and think "plant based is the only route to health", you need to know that this concept is simply false.

Read more on this topic:

Plant based protein vs animal protein

Why quality of animal protein matters

More protein, better protein, from an RD

What about sustainability and ethical considerations?

What about that popular new Netflix flick?

How do herbivores get so muscular then?

Also see: any book from my favorites shop

#4: NO PAIN, NO GAIN. WHAT'S A "REST DAY"?

Lastly, we have another popular belief that drives me crazy to see, especially as a coach! Closely related to the first myth, "move more, eat less", this idea that you have to push your body to it’s absolute limits to either see results, be healthy or fit, or that rest days are for the weak, is not only misleading and wrong, but downright dangerous.

More is NOT better. The concept of “minimal effective dose” is an important one to keep in mind when it comes to intense exercise. Meaning, while movement and pushing your limits is great for your body and mind and health, it can absolutely be taken too far. Getting in the minimum effective dose (one that brings you fitness and health and mental clarity and makes you better) is essential, but taking it beyond that starts to erode a few very important systems-- and ultimately, your health.

Because at the end of the day, what your body sees this as, is STRESS. Your body doesn’t know the difference between stress from work, from that fight with your partner, from that one rep max back squat, from that epic to do list, and that half marathon you ran last weekend. It all gets processed the same.

This doesn’t just make us feel tired-- it actually sets off a “cascade of biochemical responses that can cause serious damage to one’s health in both the short and long term”, as Chris Kresser puts it.

This idea of bragging about “no rest days” or pushing our bodies so hard we get ill makes me CRINGE. It is not cool, not “hard core” or disciplined or impressive, and most certainly not a healthy relationship to exercise. If you are feeling like you are addicted to your training (or stimulus); if you struggle to take a rest day; if you're training like a pro but you're not a pro; if the thought of going a week or 2 months without your exercise of choice sends you into a panic; then you really need to take a long, hard look here.

Movement is so important to health, and I believe firmly in the benefits of a tough, physical challenge and regular exercise. But there's a fine line between training hard and overtraining, or even exercise addiction. How many rest days are you taking and how often (not "active recovery"). How much and how well are you sleeping? Are you allowing for quieter seasons or pushing hard 24/7?

It's important to know the distinction between pushing hard and muscle burn/fatigue, vs a real injury or pushing too far to stay safe and illness/injury free. And you must be recovering JUST as hard as you're training if you intend to see any lasting results from your hard work.

 And it's always a good idea to take an honest look at our relationship to exercise, and ask ourselves if it's truly serving us with how we are using it.

More reading on this topic:

Are you addicted to exercise? 

The three stages of overtraining  

Why you may need to exercise less

Embracing the seasons of your fitness journey

 

TO SUM UP:

Ditch the hamster wheel and pick up some weights. Eat! Be sure you're getting enough fuel to support your training and build strong bones and lean muscles, especially protein. And yes your body will absorb and use it all, so don't skimp. Don’t be pressured into thinking that plant based is superior to omnivorous diets-- while it's not for everyone, eating high quality animal products and protein IS part of a healthy diet. Train with intensity, not intense volume, and be sure it’s fun. Four hours of cardio every day is not effective and likely woking against you in myriad ways. Rest and recovery is JUST as important as your exercise, and should come at a 1:1 ratio. And, don't fear the slower seasons. More isn't better. Better is better.

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How to Become Unf*ckwithable in 5 Easy Steps

Yea, that’s right. UNFUCKWITHABLE. Otherwise known as: Unshakeable. Confident. Resilient. Unbothered by the opinion of others. Ambitious. Fierce. Happy in your skin. Self reliant. Self assured. Unapologetically you. True to yourself in every badass way. Living the life you’ve always wanted. Basically, the Beyonce of your own life. 

How does one become an unfuckwithable woman, you ask? In these 5 easy steps.

1. FIND YOUR STRENGTH

More often than not, finding your physical strength acts as a catalyst for finding your internal strength. Getting the opportunity to put value in your body’s function rather than form can be a life altering experience for most women. The legs that you hide in warm weather because of lumps and bumps take on a whole new meaning when they are deadlifting twice your bodyweight, running you across a finish line, or jumping you into a feeling of accomplishment in the gym. Your broad shoulders that you cover in tee shirts become precious assets when they are pulling your body up over a bar, busting out push ups like you never thought possible, or stabilizing an impressive handstand hold.

While everyone’s flavor of sport varies (#doyou), something must be said for the magic that happens when a woman picks up a barbell. It’s like she immediately rebels against the society that is asking her to be smaller, daintier, quieter, and is instead intent on being bigger, louder and stronger. This act in itself can set off a domino effect of badassery, making you immediately one step closer to being unfuckwithable.

Move. Push your limits. Get strong. Challenge your body and blow your own damn mind. 

2. TAP INTO YOUR POWER

Too often in life we walk around feeling like we’re the victim of bad circumstance and we just throw our hands up in resignation and say there’s nothing we can do about it. That shit is a cop out, and you can’t be unfuckwithable if you’re living in a victim mentality, period. It’s time for us to make an important distinction. Take a close look around every corner of your life. Everything will fall squarely into one of two categories: the things we can change, and the things we cannot. And if you’re honest with yourself, the things in the Can Change bucket is probably upwards of 90% of what you’re looking at.

We do not give ourselves enough credit for the control we have over our own lives. And the place that control is hiding? Your mindset. You’ve got more power sitting in your own damn mind than you could ever realize, and we’ve got to tap into that well. Don’t like your job? Quit. Don’t like your neighborhood? Move. Don’t like how your clothes fit? Do something about it. Don't like your mood? Change it.

Some changes require more work (and risk-- we'll get to that in a minute) than others, but don’t let the excuses and overwhelm confuse anything here: your life is up to you. And only you. No one else is going to make a change for you, so take responsibility and step the fuck up. And don’t be scared, because it’s the most liberating feeling you could possibly hope for. This is where confidence gets born. Oh and those things you can’t change? Stop fighting with them and embrace them. There’s power there, too.

Own your choices. Take the wheel. Step up to the plate of your own life. Feel the rush that comes when you finally tap into your internal power. 

3. KNOW WHO YOU ARE

You might think I’m full of it to sit here and recommend you spending time in the self help corner of your local bookstore, but the wealth of knowledge you will find there is unparalleled. Doing research into who you are can have one of the biggest payoffs in not only your relationship with yourself, but your relationship with those around you: from your mailman to your colleagues to your partner.

How do you respond to conflict? Expectations? Rules? Set backs? Being told no? Do you know the difference between what you actually love doing and what you think you should love doing? How do you show love? How do you tackle to-do lists and deadlines and big scary goals? How do you cope with stress? How do you react to challenge, curiosity, control? How about competition or recognition? Are you intrinsically or externally motivated? Are you drained or renewed by alone time? I could go on. (The Queen of Kingdom Know Thyself, IMO, is Gretchen Rubin, and her books can be an excellent starting place.)

You might just find that you've been more focused on trying to be who you think you should be than who you truly are. No matter what you discover, it's a goldmine.

Research your own damn self. Take every quiz (The Four Tendencies, Myers Briggs, Strengths Finder, Love Language, zodiac, whatever!), read every book, be honest with your introspection. This data is invaluable and can change everything in your ability to enact change, pursue goals, and build an unfuckwithable life.

Closely related and worth noting: know who the people around you are. They impact you in big ways, and as Maya Angelou once said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. In other words, know who’s worth your precious time & energy, and vet your inner circle with care.

 

4. STOP APOLOGIZING FOR ALL OF THE ABOVE

Have you ever stopped to count the amount of times you say the word “sorry” on any given day, for any given reason? The average woman is apologizing for everything, all the time: for reaching for the same thing at the same time as someone else, for not hearing someone when they’re mumbling, for being bumped INTO (wtf?), for speaking up, for having an opinion, for taking up space, for existing. Can we fucking stop apologizing already? 

Not only do we NOT need to apologize for the awkward moments in our day that do not warrant an apology by ANY stretch, but it’s time to stop issuing apologies for our strength, for our bodies, for our internal power, for our intelligence, for our ambition, and for knowing who we are. Stop apologizing for living the life you want, and stop handing out your precious fucks to things that don't deserve them-- save them instead for what truly matters. Bending your life over backwards to accommodate someone else's idea of success, beauty, or happiness is no way to live. Do you, unapologetically. 

Anyone who takes issue with the stereotype you’re breaking, the status quo you’re ignoring, the rules you are rewriting, and the noise you are making along the way, is someone who should be schooled, not apologized to. Believe that.

Own your voice. Take up space. Be proud of you. Stop. saying. sorry.

5. BET ON YOU

When it’s time to take a risk, make a change, go out on a limb, face a transition, or gamble on a decision, where are you putting your money? To be unfuckwithable, it’s got to be on YOU, every. damn. time.

Having faith in your ability to succeed, adapt, or ultimately make it through any sort of risk is paramount to an unfuckwithable life. Sure, the what-ifs can go on for days, and the consequences could be dire, and the loss could be great. You might fall. But, what if you fly? When it comes down to the wire and it’s time to take a leap, you’ve got to jump, and know that no matter where you land, you’re going to be fine (in fact you’ll probably be exactly where you need to be). There will always be a safety net to your leaps of faith, because YOU, my dear, are the net. 

Trusting your gut and believing in yourself enough to take action can be scary at first, I’ll grant you that. If you’re not there yet, simply repeat steps 1-4 until you start to feel it. (Or read this great list of tips for getting out of your comfort zone). And when you feel it, you’ll know.

You’ll have a deep rooted confidence in who you are. You’ll feel empowered and know you can pursue anything you want in life, no matter how scary, daunting or risky. You'll listen less and less to the naysayers and the haters and more to your own mind and your own gut. You’ll understand that no matter what the outcome may be, and no matter what you may lose, you will never lose yourself, and that is your superpower. 

You’ll be confident. You’ll be strong in every sense of the word. You’ll know what’s worth giving your fucks to and what should roll off your back. You’ll be a leader. You’ll have harnessed your power. You’ll be a force to be reckoned with. You will be unfuckwithable. 

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PSST

THESE 5 THINGS ARE THE BACKBONE OF WHAT I TEACH. If you like what you’re seeing and are ready to go from a passive consumer of this information, to actually IMPLEMENTING it in your life, come join me in She Thrives Academy:

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THE UNFUCKWITHABLE CROP IS HERE!

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A Few Thoughts on Identity, Community + Social Media: Who Are You?

Who are you?

You might be inclined to answer this with a list of your hobbies or day job: a weightlifter, a lawyer, a vegan, a runner, a teacher.

But what if instead, you answered this with qualities about yourself that are intrinsic? With things that cannot be taken away from you? After all, you may decide one day that you want to leave veganism. Or you get laid off from your job. Or you suffer an injury and cannot train in your sport. What happens then? What happens when the thing we sink our identity into is stripped from us? 

Who are you then?

As marketing guru Seth Godin once spoke about in a TED talk, the internet has done incredible things when it comes to allowing people to find their people. Their community. Their tribe. 

He says, “tribes are [now] everywhere. The internet was supposed to homogenize everyone by connecting us all, but instead what it’s allowed is silos of interest… People once on the fringes can find each other, connect and go somewhere.”

As someone who has a business in the digital space, and is working every day to build and foster an online community, I know this is true, and I am eternally grateful for the opportunities the internet has afforded me. 

I think about the friendships I’ve made, the relationships I’ve built, and the way my own life has been shaped and impacted by things or people on the internet. It’s pretty remarkable stuff.

I thank my lucky stars every day that I am a part of such a supportive and welcoming community. And I’m forever grateful to the magic of the internet for allowing these niches, these little tribes, to exist, because they enhance our feeling of acceptance, belonging and purpose— which are all fundamental to not only our quality of life, but our health.

Last week I wrote about why I dropped the label of “paleo” when explaining to people how I currently personally eat. I was really surprised to see just how many of you resonated with this, and I loved chatting with so many of you about your own journey to find a label-less diet. 

I can’t help but notice an interesting dichotomy. One where we are itching to embed ourselves in a community of likeminded people, to connect and deepen an area of our identity, and one where we are liberated by tossing out anything that could pin us onto one specific idea or premise. 

So where are we supposed to land? How do we navigate the need to find our tribe but not let it define us? And in an age where the internet -- the good, the bad and the ugly-- reigns as king, how do we figure out who we are, without growing into a polarized, oversimplified, dogmatic and unbendable symbol of the things we identify with? 

If we take an honest look, is there maybe an instance where our allegiance to a community, identity or ideology overrides who we actually are in our day to day lives? And whether we realize it or not, are we sinking our identity into and defining who we are by these constructs? Or are we really honoring our true selves?

In other words, are we practicing what we're preaching?

While I’m still figuring this out in my own life, and am quick to tell you that I certainly do not have all the answers, I think there’s a few ways we can begin to tackle this.

One is the pursuit of self knowledge and thoughtful introspection. We can do this a few ways, but my favorite way is reading (my favorite books are here). The more we can learn about ourselves and the way we respond to people, circumstances, expectations, rules, and set backs, the better off we are, in general.

The benefits of this include a better sense of how to improve our lives; how to create habits that stick, how to get ourselves to do hard things or face difficult situations, how to better connect with those around us. It also brings a sense of confidence and even power. After all, knowledge is power. The more we know, the more we can do with it.

We can take note of how we handle conflict, we can listen closely to the space between what someone is saying, and how we hear it. We can think about the ways in which we express ourselves, the ways in which our fears and insecurities show up, and the ways in which we empower and lift those around us.

We can collect the qualities about ourselves that live beyond a title, or Facebook group, or hobby.

The things like how we (really) support and connect with our friends and family, and those closest to us. How we (really) talk to and engage with those who don’t agree with us. Objectively tuning in to the lenses through which we view the world at large, and the small decisions we make every day. 

The ways we use our voice, and the things we stand for. And the things we don't.

And in a time when social media and the internet as a whole is just a finger pointing screaming match, I think these pursuits hold even higher value. 

The comfort and closeness of the ancient pursuit of connectedness is a worthwhile cause, and finding our tribe can fulfill us as humans in real, valuable ways, and can give us a sense of purpose.

But knowing who you are, outside of your job and your hobbies and your sport and your diet and your neighborhood and your Liked pages and anything that could be taken away from you at any given moment in time, is where the really important work happens.

Learning about these intrinsic qualities, even as they ebb and flow and grow and dissolve, is paramount. These are the pockets where we should be planting our precious self worth and our identity. These are the gardens where we should be watering and weeding and tending to. These are the qualities about ourselves that even though may evolve over time, cannot be stripped from us overnight. This is who we are.

If you aren’t thrilled with what you find under there, or it's difficult to sit with, or you're afraid what you're going to uncover? That's ok, and is part of the process; and I would argue where your energy to strengthen and improve yourself should go-- first.

And if your answers are just a pile of contradictions or you still aren’t quite sure, thats ok, too. In fact, that’s my whole point. Because we are nuanced, and multi layered and difficult to understand sometimes— difficult to define, to pin, to label, to throw into one camp or put into one box.

This is where we figure out how to become bigger, better, stronger, fuller, and ultimately happier humans. This is also where the rubber meets the road with our purpose.

Our ability to enact change on a bigger level, to make a mark and impact lives, to leave the world better than we found it,  to see our life's purpose through -- it all begins with us. 

Yes, our tribes and our communities are certainly a facet of who we are, and it’s a beautiful thing to see and experience these connections be made. And yes, our external habits and hobbies and preferences are an important part of us, too. They make us interesting and diversified and smarter.

But when we shut out all the noise and lines and forums and labels and the social media, and you are alone with yourself in the dark...

Who are you?

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