The Weight You Need to Lose in Order to Truly Like Yourself

Answer me this: Do you believe that the thing standing between you and radical self love... is a few pounds?

While there is nothing (I repeat: NOTH.👏ING👏!) wrong with changing how your body looks, my question to you is this:

If we went deep— like deep deeeep down — is what you really want from a physique change... actually a FEELING?

My bet would be that it is. Cuz spoiler alert: everything we do is because we want to feel a certain way, period.

So. Is what you’re REALLY after confidence? Self love? Acceptance, an end to the inner war? To feel valuable, desired, worthy?

Do you dream that all those golden feels will arrive like the free gift with purchase once you hit your goal weight?

If so, hear this:

If what you’re REALLY seeking with a physique change is actually a FEELING — the physique you got now ain’t the problem, my love.

Real talk. How can you honestly expect to be hashtag blessed with the unconditional self love and self acceptance you’ve been pining for, if it’s only arriving to you via a fucking SIZE?

Isn’t that building your own self approval out of sand? Isn’t that inherently *conditional* love?

But I get it. We know that *something* has to change for our mindset to change (otherwise we’d be there already, right?), and in this culture, it’s par for the course to make our bodies bear that burden.

It’s not your fault for thinking that your body is the culprit in how you feel now, or the savior to how you WANT to feel later, or for thinking the two things are even related at all.

But I’ve got some news, and I say this with love:

The weight keeping you from radical self love? It’s NOT on your body.

THE WEIGHT YOU NEED TO LOSE IS:
The weight of your outdated internal narratives and limiting beliefs about who you are and what makes you good enough that you’ve been carrying around for years and informing your fears + motives that btw DON’T EVEN BELONG TO YOU.

Once you can shed THAT weight? You’re free.

And FUCK does it feel good.

For more on this, go listen to ep 64 of SHE THRIVES RADIO: CHANGING HOW YOU LOOK VS CHANGING HOW YOU FEEL, where I break it all down.

And hey: if this resonated with you, you might want to check out SHE THRIVES ACADEMY.

5 Simple Swaps to Live Healthier Instantly

NUMBER 1

SWAP OBSESSING OVER THOSE 10 LBS for 👉

Unpacking your —and our culture’s— implicit fatphobia and the way diet culture and beauty standards have encouraged your fear of weight gain and shaped your body image and your perception of worth.

NUMBER 2

TRADE THE SHOULD-BE-DOINGS for 👉

Activities, habits, and goals that actually align with and mean something to *you*, in your current season of life with your individual available resources, bandwidth, priorities + interests.

NUMBER 3

SWITCH THE EFFORT TO GET THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE AS LOW AS POSSIBLE with 👉

An effort to get as many adventures, smiles, and *life* out of your limited number of days as possible.

NUMBER 4

SWAP TRYING TO EAT 100% CLEAN for 👉

Eating foods that nourish you physically + emotionally, without the clean/dirty, good/bad, right/wrong moral connotations.

NUMBER 5

TRADE THE HUSTLE, GRIND, AND NO PAIN NO GAIN MINDSET for 👉

Rest, stress management, self care, fun, and fulfillment *outside* of the gym or kitchen.

AND HEY. If you want my help making any of these swaps, you’re in luck: this shit is *precisely* what I do. Head HERE + let’s get going NOW.

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We Need to Talk About Body Positivity

PHOTO FROM SELF MAGAZINE

Yesterday, I spent more time than I actually care to admit scrolling through the comment sections on Instagram under the images that were shared by Self Magazine's new digital 'zine. 

On the cover, and in these images, is plus size model Tess Holliday. The title reads, "Tess Holiday's Health is None of Your Business".

The comment threads were an actual war zone. A few YASSS QUEEN's and Thank You Self!'s strewn among hundreds upon hundreds of "this is insanity, this promotes obesity", "there's no way she's healthy", "how can you glorify such an unhealthy lifestyle?", to which the back and forth internet arguing ensued.

And I read it all. In absolute horrified awe.

The irony of the actual title of the article and the tone of the majority of the comments was palpable. HER HEALTH IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS. And yet, here were hundreds of "concern trolls" sizing up exactly what they presumed her health to be, and telling her she's doing it wrong. Telling Self they should be ashamed of themselves for putting this woman on their cover and in their Instagram feed.

And HOLY SHIT you guys, we need to talk. I almost don't even know where to start with this, and even though I hope that none of MY readers were leaving these comments, it still warrants a conversation because it's evident that we still have a lot of work to do. So let's start here.

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[A quick side note/disclaimer. I don't generally read any of these health magazines, and I don't know much about Tess Holliday as a person, and I'm not here to defend either one of these things. This post is about the bigger picture here, and the principle of the matter, especially as it relates to the growing movement of "body positivity". Also worth noting: There are a LOT of facets + considerations in this topic and I don't cover them all here. I also am not claiming to do any of this perfectly or that I am an expert on these things. I am most certainly still learning and doing the best I can, and sharing what I've learned along the way.]

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Tess Holliday for Self Magazine

"THIS IS CELEBRATING AN UNHEALTHY PERSON"

First: I hate to break it to these trolls, but we have been "celebrating" unhealthy people for a long ass time. You think the women who traditionally make the cover of magazines, especially back in the 90's, when protruding ribs and collarbones were in vogue, are healthy? You think that giving yourself metabolic damage, obsessing over body fat, forcing yourself into a size or shape, living with 6% body fat, or otherwise suffering to fit into an impossible aesthetic is healthy?

It often doesn't even get a second look (the proof of this is literally on the shelf in the magazine section right now), and the reason is this: THOSE body types are considered "desirable". They are socially accepted. They are what our culture puts on a pedestal. That is what we have decided we value. THOSE BODIES ARE GOOD. 

Never mind that you can't tell even a fucking OUNCE of truth as to what that person's medical health is actually like by looking at them. Never mind that thin or fit does not inherently equal health in any universe. Never mind that mental health and body image are major factors in over all health, and that lean people can lead some of the arguably most unhealthy lifestyles around, with the biggest risk factors for a premature death (but you'll never see commenters "concerned" for their health). Never mind all that, right?

You simply CANNOT know the inner workings of someone's overall health just by looking at them. And thinking that you CAN, is the foundation of the one single remaining types of oppression and discrimination that is still 10000% socially acceptable: fat shaming. 

All of the body shaming comments are under the guise of "health". And while I'm not going to deny that at a certain point, weight and health are linked, it is absolutely beyond me how ANYONE could ever take it upon themselves to shame a total stranger, tell them that they are living wrong, and should never be on the cover of a magazine.

Which brings me to my next point, and here's where things get pretty interesting, so I hope you're sitting down:

Even if she is unhealthy, does she not deserve to be celebrated?

Like I hope I made clear here, body size is not a metric for health. It's just not that simple. But more importantly, health is not a metric for worth. Let's say that all together now:

HEALTH IS NOT A MEASURE OF YOUR WORTH.

Every single body, regardless of color, shape, gender, size, sexual preference, ability, or health, is valuable, and is allowed to exist without your opinion, input or "concern". Every body deserves respect, and every body deserves to be celebrated.

 

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT BODY POSITIVITY

These days, "body positivity" is everywhere, and almost always, it's used synonymously with "self love". It's perceived as an internal project to be positive about one's own body, and the morphing and misinterpretation of this movement is creating some issues that we need to address.

Body positivity is not self love.

The origins of the body positivity movement are rooted in rejection against the notion that there are good bodies and there are bad bodies. It was a response to the diet and fat-fearing culture and it created awareness and a stage to fight against the blatant discrimination that fat bodies, bodies of color, disabled bodies, trans bodies, and other bodies have been facing, pretty much since the dawn of time in our society.

It was a political and social rebellion against the systematic oppression of bodies that were far from the likeness of the thin, cis, able bodied, white women who were on the covers of magazines. 

Body positivity was fighting for resources, representation, respect, and equal treatment (by medical establishments, workplaces, and more) for people who live in marginalized bodies. 

And while you know I'm always here for self love, we need to understand how the takeover of this movement is hurting the very reason it was created in the first place. 

"The current body-positivity movement has failed to address this systemic discrimination as its foremothers did. Instead, the movement has focused on feelings and empowerment as a means of opening it up to all, instead of zeroing in on those who still face rampant discrimination.

'On social media, it actually gets worse for fat bodies: We’re not just being erased from body positivity, fat women are being actively vilified,' she wrote. 'Health has become the stick with which to beat fat people with, and the benchmark for whether body positivity should include someone.'"  //   (from The Fragility of Body Positivity)

Which brings me back to our conversation about the cover of Self. Aside from the (very fucking important, ok) fact that you can't tell jack shit about Tess' health by looking at her photo, let's, for the sake of argument, say she's not healthy. 

Suggesting that that immediately disqualifies her as a body that's able to be seen, or (gasp!) celebrated, is a big, big problem. THIS IS FAT SHAMING. This is fat phobia. 

This is ONE THOUSAND percent discrimination, and quite ironically, the very notion that the actual body positivity movement is fighting against (which, by the way, Tess happens to be a leader in).

That is quite literally saying that only some bodies deserve celebration and respect (or to simply be SEEN!), and others do not. 

A lot of this misunderstanding is thanks to corporations who see this movement happening and are trying to capitalize on it. 

"What should be a mission toward all-encompassing inclusivity has taken on its own form of exclusivity, thanks to advertisements featuring mainly one type of woman. 'Body positivity encompasses much more than the curvy, white, straight, feminine bodies that may occasionally tout cellulite or stretch marks in an advertisement,'" // (from the Huffington Post)

(For a super interesting read on the twisted capitalizing of this movement and the messages being shared, I highly recommend this article: Body Positivity is a Scam)

We like to see some deviation from the traditionally celebrated norm, but not too much. Show us real bodies, but only ones that look like mine. All bodies are beautiful, but only up to a point.

Guys.

PRIVELEGE, HYPOCRACY + MORALITY   

As one commenter, Jess, put it, "this makes me concerned about the body positive movement. There's a big difference between helping women be ok with some cellulite and promoting obesity."

First: Is representation of real human bodies promoting obesity? Do those bodies not reserve the right to live how they want and exist without persecution? Do we get to decide who can be seen, and who needs to stay in the shadows, while we all ring the bell and chant "shame" at them?

Since when do we all get to stand in our fear-based self righteousness and declare who is living to our standards and who is not? Since when do we get to wear the BODY POSITIVITY sandwich board and say all bodies are good, while spitting at bodies like Tess's? 

Secondly: In this day and age where we are recognizing privileges, calling out double standards, and taking a close look at our biases, I'd like to request that we add this to the list of things to sit with, examine, and work through. 

Your privilege, Jess, (and hundreds of other commenters) is that you already live in a body that is accepted without question in today's society. Your privilege is that you'll probably never get body shamed and berated by hundreds of strangers on the internet. 

Thirdly: Save your concern, because body positivity at it's core is not about conventionally attractive, thin women being positive about their bodies, but instead for the reality of life for bodies who face a very real lack of fundamental resources and are routinely ostracized and marginalized by establishments and our culture at large (by people like you, Jess).

But do I blame you personally? Hard to say. Your views are the result of a culture that respects and values one body type, and one body type only. A culture that fears fat more than anything in the world and makes us all believe that our body (and how much fat we carry on it) determines whether we are good or bad, and therefore deserve to be celebrated or not.

And as @applesaucemama pointed out, we clearly need to take this conversation one step further, and get a little louder for the cheap seats in the back.

"Sure you can accept yourself in any way, shape or form. You deserve love. But I don't have to accept misguided non-truths that this is healthy, desirable, or beautiful to the common eye".

Or in other words, accept yourself but don't make me look at it.

This thinking puts the impetus BACK on oppressed bodies, and suggests that the work that needs to be done here is on them to love themselves, but keep it over there in the shadows, because it has nothing to do with us. Reinforcing oppressive systems and keeping the stigma for these bodies alive and well. 

Lastly, intertwining the terms 'healthy', 'desirable', and 'beautiful' is no mistake here. We only consider "healthy" bodies to be beautiful, and we think we know EXACTLY what a healthy body looks like. (But do we? Really?)

DEAR TROLLS, PLEASE HEAR THIS:

NO ONE owes you beauty. Or thinness. Or desirability. Or health. NOT EVEN when on a magazine cover. So sit down and STFU.

#BOPO

To be fair, I'm not hating on the mainstream version of body positivity: the one that says we all deserve to love ourselves, no matter what our shape. This is important work (work that I myself help women do!), and I don't for a second want to minimize the importance of that idea.

However, if your version of #bopo doesn't include marginalized bodies, I'm not here for it. And if you're using #bopo as a means to shame another body, I'm not here for it either. 

We cannot allow this movement to be used AGAINST the very people it was created by and for.

 I also think that we ARE making some strides in the right direction on this front (Tess' cover as exhibit A, among other big departures from the norm that are sprinkled around the media + advertisements these days). But if these comment threads were any indication, we still have a long way to go to be sure that ALL bodies are seen as good, worthy, and allowed to exist without persecution.

So today I'll leave you with this:

To a culture that is cheerleading the trendiness of unphotoshopped ads, celebrating seeing women like Ashley Graham on the cover of SI, and swimming in the warm fuzzies of embracing our cellulite, but throws verbally abusive stones at anyone who chooses to reject the socially acceptable way to exist and stands proudly in her nonconforming skin: get your shit together.

"Body positivity can’t focus on thin, white women and simultaneously tackle discrimination against fat, trans, and disabled people. Expanding legal protections must be the focus, otherwise the outcomes of our lives will continue to be determined by fatphobia, transphobia, and ableism. Until body positivity centers that, the message will continue to be that all bodies are good bodies, but some bodies are still treated better than others."   //  (from The Fragility of Body Positivity) 

So, friend, embrace the skin you're in and work to feel at home in your own body, but please know that the work doesn't stop there.

We must stop the hierarchy of bodies, examine our deeply held phobias and biases (including our fear of fat), do our part to educate ourselves and our communities, encourage representation of all kinds, support marginalized bodies and voices, strive for actual systematic and political change, and just let a bitch live her life.

Let's work to not only empower ourselves, but to empower others, no matter (or especially!) if they don't align with the acceptable societal norm.

I hope we can all work to become truly body positive.

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FOR SOME MORE RESOURCES ON THIS CONVERSATION, I RECOMMEND FOLLOWING:

@sassylatte | @thefatsextherapist | @themilitantbaker | @watchshayslay | @bodyimage_therapist

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Upgrade Your Health Goals: Instead of a Goal Weight, Try This

The new year is here and resolutions are in the air. I don't know the actual statistic is on this, but it's no secret that an overwhelming amount of Americans (especially women) tend to have some sort of health goal among their resolutions.

Usually, it boils down to losing weight, losing body fat, or hitting a "goal weight". And I've certainly been part of this group before, so no shade if that's where your focus currently is!

It's always ok to have aesthetic goals or to want to change the way you look-- far be it from me to tell you what you should want for yourself. But today I want to offer you little tip that will completely upgrade your health goals and add sustainability to your pursuit, and overall serve YOU so. much. more. deeply.

Instead of setting and chasing a "goal weight", try this: set and chase a "goal feeling".

What do I mean by that, exactly? Well, it will take a little bit of brainstorming on your behalf to think about how you REALLY want to feel, but it's worth the effort. This is Step 1 of the process.

How do you want to FEEL? Here are some examples to get you started:

Vibrant. Happy. Powerful. Sexy. Strong. Confident. Graceful. Balanced. Grateful. Healthy. Empowered. Radiant.

Think of a word (or three! There are no rules here!), and when you've got it nailed down, you're ready for Step 2. Ask yourself:

What can I do right now to feel the way I want to feel?

So often we think that in order to feel a certain way, we've got to wait until the feeling strikes us to be able to take action towards our goals. Like we need to feel motivated first, and then we'll get it done. Like we need to feel happy or in a good mood, and then we'll go work out. Like we need to feel like we're in a nurturing, self-caring space, and then we'll eat better.

This thinking that a feeling will inspire us to action is flawed. In reality, ACTION INSPIRES FEELING. Meaning, you've gotta do something to achieve that feeling.

Step 3 is (you guessed it) doing the damn thing.

So when you want to feel motivated, you need to get up and do it, whether you want to or not. The mere act of doing it will inspire a feeling of accomplishment that will have you asking, what's next? (Cue the sweet, sweet wave of momentum).

When you want to feel strong, do something that makes you feel strong: lift some heavy weights, hold warrior for 3 minutes, run as fast as you can!

When you want to feel healthy, feed yourself all  the nourishing foods, drink your water like you're getting paid to do it, and get your precious sleep.

Can you see how this mindset will allow you to be TRULY nourishing yourself in real, tangible ways, versus you feeling like you can't have any yummy food because you're "on a diet"?

You're putting the POWER back in your hands, and you're crafting your reality. You're making your actions align with your goals, and most importantly, in a way that's TRULY serving you.

And here's the most important part: you've got to do this stuff regularly. So not just one lifting session and then waiting for motivation to strike again. Not just one nourishing meal until you crave veggies again. Nah. 

Decide on your goal feeling and stick the f*ck to it. Take action towards that feeling as regularly as you possibly can, and there will be a point in time, that might just be so subtle you fail to even notice it lapse, where instead of you, purposefully crafting the feeling of 'strong' or 'healthy', you actually become those things.

It's the most insane magic trick you could ever possibly pull on yourself and it is so much damn fun. WAY more fun than chasing a number on your scale, I promise.

Instead of weighing yourself every day, chasing a body fat percentage or pant size (which do nothing to reflect your actual state of health, fitness, worth, happiness or quality of life, by the way), UPGRADE YOSELF.

Because the truth is, how you feel IS your happiness, your health, and your quality of life. And you might just find that by chasing a goal feeling, your other goals will fall into place.

After all, you'll be acting with intention, you'll be serving your body and your mind, and you'll be pursuing something that sends endless ripples of positivity and empowerment into every area of your life. Versus, a meaningless number on your jeans or scale.

You'll not only be taking your life and happiness into your own hands, but you'll be seeking change out of a place of LOVE for yourself, instead of fear or shame.

It's a win/win.

So I ask you: How do you want to feel?

What can you do right now to feel the way you want to feel?

Chase that goal feeling and see what becomes possible for you in 2018.

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Want some ideas on how to get yourself feeling the way you want to feel? I've written about it quite a bit! Dig into these posts:

The Secret to Finding and Keeping Motivation, in Fitness + Beyond

How to Stop Waiting to Lose Those "Last 10 Pounds" to Live a Life You Love

Want More Confidence? Do This.

How I Found Confidence by Running out of F*cks

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In Depth With Steph Gaudreau of Stupid Easy Paleo

This powerhouse of a woman barely needs an introduction, but in case you aren't one of her nearly quarter of a million Instagram followers or ardent fans, Steph Gaudreau runs a hugely popular food, fitness + mindset blog called Stupid Easy Paleo.

She shares recipes that are based in real food, she's a crazy talented athlete and weightlifter (and coach), and she's the master of mindset shifts that help people "unleash their inner badass so they can change the world".

She also happens to host an awesome podcast, Harder to Kill Radio, where she chats with leaders and innovators in the health + wellness world (and beyond).

(P.S. I was lucky enough to be on her show twice, so if you haven't peeped those episodes yet, definitely do so!)

I am lucky enough to call this stunner a friend, and we got to hang IRL when she flew up to Seattle to get some new images for her biz. We sat in the sun on my front porch and I asked her all about her story, her views on the modern fitness industry, what she's got planned for next year, and more.

Grab a cup of coffee and settle in, and enjoy!

YOUR FITNESS JOURNEY BEGAN WITH TRIATHALONS. CAN YOU TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT HOW YOU GOT FROM ENDURANCE SPORTS TO WEIGHTLIFTING?

It actually all started on a dare in 2011. I was doing an intense season of triathlons (swimming, trail running, mountain biking). I was in Lake Tahoe and exhausted and I stood for a photo, and I remember seeing that photo and thinking, "wow I am so fat". I wasn't in a really good place. My relationship was about to fall apart, I wasn’t happy with my job, and  lot of stuff was falling down the tubes.

A month after that, a mountain bike friend dared me to try CrossFit-- and I was like ok sure, I’ll try your "CrossFit" stuff. We did a garage workout with bodyweight and I actually really liked it. It was fast (vs hours of training like I was used to), so my curiosity was piqued. So I joined a gym and did that for a while, doing CF a few times a week and still riding my bike. A year later, I felt really burned out from the endurance stuff, and for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t hyper focused on losing weight. 

For the first time I wasn’t stressed about being smaller and lighter, and it was so, so freeing. That emotional baggage started to go away— I can be strong just to be strong and it doesn’t matter how small my body is? It was awesome. I competed in CF for many years (even went to Regionals with Invictus), until I started to feel burned out again. 

I started my business and was still doing competitive training, and the amount of emotional, mental, physical energy that required of me was too much, especially while trying to make this business survive its first year, and I realized I could not do both. Especially being 34-35 years old, I needed more recovery time, and it was just very stressful on the body for me.

So I stepped back into just strength— mostly squatting actually-- but it was a couple year process for me to transition from endurance to weightlifting. 

SO SOMEWHERE ALONG THIS JOURNEY YOU FOUND THE PALEO DIET. HOW DID YOU FIND IT, AND WHO WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT TO?

Back in my endurance race days I was training for Vision Quest, which is this 56 mile, off-road race with 12,000 feet of climbing — it's just brutal (it took me 9 hours!). So we’d train and go out and ride and ride and ride. 

Some friends of mine said they "wanted to try this thing called 'paleo'” and it sounded crazy to me. Especially since in the endurance world, things like gluten and grains are all you eat— it’s super duper high carb most of the time. And eating tilapia for breakfast? I don’t know about that.

So I decided I’d start after the New Year (this was Nov) and I went big on Christmas and New Years and ate all the things and decided to give Paleo a shot in January. I cleaned out my pantry and fridge and jumped in. 

There was a learning curve, but within the first 2 or 3 months I was like wow, I feel major changes in my body (beyond body fat) like digestion and blood sugar, and energy levels , cravings, mood, etc. It all started to resolve itself. And I was hooked.

I think it’s a great starting point for a lot of people to just become aware of their diet of high inflammatory foods and how crappy it can make you feel. Its great to just interrupt your usual habits and routines and have to stop and think about what you’re putting in your mouth. To give yourself a chance to step away from the super processed, highly palatable foods.

I mean these foods are everywhere and so available that making a choice to NOT eat that means that you have to go out of your way. So it can be a lifestyle change, but it I recommend people do it at least for 30 to 90 days just to feel better. I know everyone wants weight loss but honestly, I feel most people would trade feeling freaking awesome when they wake up, having steady energy through the day, getting rid of their (oftentimes embarrassing) digestive problems, feeling clear headed, etc. That’s what keeps people going, and that’s the selling point.

FOR WOMEN SPECIFICALLY, WHETHER THEY'RE PALEO OR NOT, WHAT ARE SOME OF THE BIG PITFALLS YOU SEE WOMEN STRUGGLING WITH IN THEIR DIET THESE DAYS?

One is simply not enough caloric intake. The restricting and the tiny portions and the eating like a bird is a big one. 

Being wayyy too low on protein is another big one. I know plant based diets are popular, but you can still eat more plants by volume, and eat meat, and still have a plant based diet. And plants are super important to a healthy diet, but there's so much media vilifying protein and animal protein these days, and that stuff is SO biased. And it sends the wrong message to women. It’s used as a justification for not eating enough protein, period. That leads to all sorts of problems, but namely eating poor quality carbs and fats in order to feel full, problems with cravings, insatiable appetite, struggles building muscle mass, etc.

And then also people are still so afraid of carbs. We’ve gotten to realize that fats are not the devil— I mean sitting down to a tub of almond butter every night isn’t a great idea-- but we’ve stopped fearing fats. But carbs are still feared. 

And I used to fear them too. I read about lower carb being good for body composition, and then I did what a lot of women do, and I took it to the extreme. We think if a little bit is good, then even less is better. So most women have been too low carb for too long. 

High level athletes need to be dialed into the details, and I don’t want the average person to think they need to be crazy focused on this stuff, but if we could just check in— did I eat a decent amount of food today? Did I skip a meal? Did I eat enough to support my training? 

We think we need to go hard into fitness and diet but our body actually appreciates things happening slower.

YOU ARE OUTSPOKEN IN YOUR DISAPPROVAL OF THE TRENDY NEW MESSAGES OF 'STRONG IS THE NEW SKINNY' OR 'STRONG IS THE NEW SEXY'. WHY DOES THIS RUB YOU THE WRONG WAY?

Let’s take "strong is the new sexy". I’m kind of sick of women of being reduced to how sexy they look. What does that say about your worth? And if you’re not sexy, then oh well, too bad. It’s a double standard for women: if you look too good you’re full of yourself, and if you don’t look good enough, then you’re lazy or unlovable. 

With "strong is the new skinny", it still puts the emphasis on how big you are. We’re still talking about how big people’s body’s are! It doesn’t say anything about capacity— strength comes in so many shapes and sizes and so many forms, and it this talk still sizes everybody up.

And within that, strong can be so many things: it's your resilience, it’s your metal capacity, it’s your compassion, your ability to go through the crappy things in life and come out the other side. Sometimes it's going really hard and sometimes its slowing down, sometimes it's pushing through and sometimes it's letting go. It’s multi-dimensional. 

I don’t hear any guys hashtagging "strong is the new sexy"— in my mind, if a guy’s not willing to go there with that same message, then that’s a problem. 

WHAT IS THE BIGGEST WAY YOU STILL SEE THE MAINSTREAM FITNESS + HEALTH INDUSTRY MISLEADING OR LETTING WOMEN DOWN?

I still see this idea of little pink dumbbells... and you can "participate", but don’t overdo it, and BE CAREFUL. When do people tell men to be careful?? The knee jerk reaction to a woman saying, "I’m gonna go get strong",  is: don’t hurt yourself. That bugs me. 

The whole “bulky” thing is still propagated by the Tracy Andersons out there and I’m over it. So many women say to me they want to be "toned":  that means you want to build muscle and lose body fat to have definition.

I heard a startling study that I can’t quite remember but it was something like 45% of women over the age of 55 can’t lift 10 pounds, and that is shocking to me. Mainstream fitness still perpetuates this idea that you just have to move, with no real focus on actually building capacity. 

After the age of 40 you start to lose muscle mass every year until you die, and muscle mass is such an important reserve for things like illness, surgery, or stressful events— you need the muscle to get well. We’re not doing a good enough job educating women and men that this stuff is really important to protect you as you get older. 

So this "don’t get too bulky" or "don’t lift anything over 5 lbs" is crazy— if it’s too easy, it’s not going you any good. As much as I want to champion for people pursuing whatever fitness they love, I have a hard time turning a blind eye to when people flat out refuse to do any strength training at all. You don’t have to do it every day or replace your sport, but add it in a couple days a week to establish that baseline.

And this happened to me too but it’s funny, once I started CrossFit I got way faster and my endurance improved because I worked on that aspect of my fitness— working on those Type 2 fibers helped me get better in that sport.

Not to mention, when women start to play around with challenging weights, there’s something that changes in your mind and you think, “interesting. I wonder what else I can do”. And I think this can be threatening. It can be threatening in a patriarchal society when women speak up and take up space and get strong, which is certainly part of this “stay small and don’t hurt yourself” idea.

All these play together and just keep women down and tell them they just need to play nice.

Sure the fitness industry has made some progress, but when are we going to reach the people who can’t afford a $250/mo gym membership? When are we going to make things seem more approachable and less intimidating to the people who are scared to try it? We just need more voices who are willing to help women get the education and resources they need.

 

YOU MENTIONED THAT PHOTO EARLIER THAT MADE YOU THINK, "WOW, I AM SO FAT", AND HOW YOU WERE LIVING IN A NEGATIVE HEADSPACE. WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST TO SOMEONE IN A SIMILAR PLACE, AS A FIRST STEP TO START TO CHANGE THAT MINDSET?

First, I’d say that it’s important that you are ready, and curious, and open. A lot of people in that place are stuck, and just not willing to look beyond their bubble, so first, you need to be willing.

Then I’d look at the people in your life who are living the way you are curious about, and talk to them: What are you doing? What’s your routine? What gym do you go to? How have you found a good life/work balance? Asking people you know and trust is so much more powerful than Yelp or internet strangers.

Then get involved with something outside of yourself. The self help world is all about you -- focus on yourself, grow yourself-- and there’s a delicate tightrope between these two things: if I’m always letting people walk all over me and never take time for self care that’s not good, but if I’m only always inward focused, that’s not good either. And sometimes the more we look at ourselves, the more flaws we see: it’s like a magnifying mirror. You see more flaws the closer you look.

The self love movement is great on many levels, however, just like any tool it can be misused. Find a purpose to align yourself to that is bigger than yourself. When you see the joy you can bring to other people, that is a gift you can’t find anywhere else. It will boost your confidence and mood, and it can change how you feel inside and how you see yourself.

I think of coaching and hearing from clients who have had big wins or transformations, and it’s a feeling you can’t get anywhere else. Get outside your own head and realize there’s a much bigger world out there. When you’re struggling with yourself, this can really give you a sense of pride, and deliver a goodness to you that’s hard to replicate.

YOUR THEME FOR 2017 WAS DARE. HOW DID YOU EMBRACE THAT THEME AND WHAT'S YOUR 2018 THEME?

I hired help for my book proposal after many months of struggling and thinking I can do it by myself -- so daring to ask for help was a big deal. I got outside of my comfort zone a little bit with Jiu-Jitsu and tried something new. 

I haven’t nailed down my 2018 theme yet, but it will probably be something like "ownership" — I want to stand in the places that I am powerful and give back. I was at a conference recently, and I shared that I have a fear of success, and the speaker said that a fear of success is a lack of responsibility of the things in your life that you have a gift for.

You have a responsibility to share your gifts with the world. That fear is really being afraid to step into your voice and power. Those people who show up are the people who are in the arena— here I am, this is me, let’s do this.

YOU END YOUR POCAST (HARDER TO KILL RADIO) WITH THIS QUESTION FOR YOUR GUESTS + I'M CURIOUS TO KNOW YOUR RESPONSE: WHAT'S YOUR ADVICE FOR BUILDING A HARDER TO KILL HUMAN?

I’d say trusting yourself and listening to your gut. That manifests in a lot of ways— maybe it’s your career, or your sport. We’re not static, we’re always changing, and being able to tune into whats important to you right now, in this moment, is so valuable. The more we hold onto this concept of who we once were and who we’re 'supposed' to be we, prevent ourselves from living in the moment.

And no one else knows either: no one else outside of me knows who I’m meant to be and what drives me in this point in time. There’s this funny thing that happens in the blogging world where if you change direction people say “oh but no, your’e the blah blah blah person!”— well hold on-- you get to change and evolve, but I have to stay exactly the same?

I’m a real person too, I grow and change and evolve. We have to give ourselves that space to change and to trust those things that’s bubbling up inside you. Yes we all have bills to pay and responsibilities, but if that feeling goes on too long and you ignore it, you begin to feel  disempowered and start to look to outside sources to tell you who you are.

The world’s always going to tell you who to be, what to do, what to like, but you’re never going to make everybody happy. You’re going to be criticized anyway, so follow your gut and just do what you want to do. Or Erin Brown says, “you’ll have what I’m serving”. You’re either with me or you’re not, and it’s ok if your’e not. 

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One day, while we were strolling the local farmer's market here in Seattle, we stumbled across this man who offers poetry on any topic you present him with. I instantly recognized him from this video with Jessamyn Stanley + Cody App, so we stopped and offered the topic, "strength".

It's a little hard to hear but I hope you enjoy this amazing moment!

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Be sure to follow Steph around the interwebs here:

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ALL IMAGES COPYRIGHT TAYLOR GAGE PHOTOGRAPHY 2017

HAIR AND MAKEUP BY KATIE KIHARA

Stop Waiting: How Those "Last 10 Pounds" Are Holding You Back

When you imagine yourself getting coffee next week, or going on a vacation next month, or paying your taxes next year, you probably imagine yourself being just a little bit better off than you are right at this moment, even if the event in question is boring or not that fun (taxes being case in point). Maybe you envision yourself as just a little less stressed, or a little more fit, or making more money, having better hair, or somehow just a little bit happier in some metric valuable to you. This, as it turns out, is something we all do all the time without even realizing it.

I recently read about a study which said that when humans imagine their future, they almost always imagine that they will be happier in the future than they are right now. This fact really struck me as interesting and quite profound. And while I think this is actually a wonderful and totally natural phenomenon, I also know that there are real ways in which this holds us back.

Entertain me for a moment and do this: instead of imagining the things you know you’re going to be doing in the future (getting coffee, taking a vacation, paying your taxes), I now want you to imagine the things you want to do in the future. The things you fancy yourself doing, the stuff that you wish you could do right now but you're waiting on the right time for. What are those things?

Maybe that’s something small like wearing that hot dress in your closet, or booking a photoshoot for yourself, family or business, or asking that person out. Maybe it’s something bigger like actually starting that business or side hustle. When you imagine these things that you want to do, do you hear a voice that says something like, “I wish I could do that now, but I’ll be more ready for it later”?

I wish I could wear a crop top now, but I’ll be more ready for it later when I have a flatter tummy. I wish I could start my business now, but I’ll be more ready for it later when I have more time. I wish I could book a boudoir shoot now, but I’ll be more ready for it later when I’m in better shape. I wish I could try CrossFit now, but I'll be more ready later when I'm more fit. I wish, I wish, I wish. Later, later, later. 

And we do this so self assuredly, like we know that "later" is the perfect time, and when later comes, we'll be so ready to do the thing. Have you ever noticed that "later" almost never seems to arrive when you think it will? ... Or at all?

If we were to dig a little deeper here, I think we'd find that these "laters" are actually a dismissal of an insecurity we haven't quite faced yet. The truth is that we're likely struggling with our feeling of worth; we don't feel smart enough, or supported enough, or thin enough or the list goes on.

What is it, really, that makes you feel unprepared, right in this moment? Take that answer and dig into it. Like, realllllyyy dig into it. Get to the messy, ugly, tough-to-face bottom of it, because that shit will set you free. If it's support you need, reach out to your loved ones. If it's self confidence you need, invest in building that for yourself. If it's permission you need, you already have it. 

Friends, we have got to STOP WAITING and START doing. STOP waiting for the last 10 pounds to disappear. STOP waiting for your schedule to magically open up. STOP waiting for some far off illusion of you being more ready, more happy, more fit, more ANYTHING, and do the thing NOW.

I mean, have you ever really stopped to think about the sheer length of the list of things that you’re waiting for some “perfect” time to actually do? How much of life you’re leaving on the table because of those last godforsaken 10 pounds? How much you’re risking actually never experiencing in your time here on earth? 

Because, guys, that’s the real truth to this. How long have you been waiting for those last 10 pounds, for that open schedule, for that perfect time? My guess is, it’s been a while. Why would you continue to wait on these trivial matters (that may or may not ever actually happen), knowing damn well that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed to you?

Knowing that you passed up photos with your newborn because you were carrying some extra weight (that was used to nurture and grow and birth an entire human)? That you work out in long pants on that 100 degree July afternoon because you have some cellulite (that is a natural part of that powerful body that you’re in the gym growing and building in the damn first place!)? That you never pursued your passion because you were afraid you would fail (when you know so well that even failure trumps not trying)?

If you were advising your friends on this matter, you’d shout from the rooftops about how ready they are now! How wonderful it would be to see them forge ahead! How proud they’d feel of themselves for trying! How they are an inspiration to those around them!

But when it’s us, we decide we’ll wait. And I’m just not into it anymore. It’s time to do the damn thing.

AS RAFIKI SO WISELY SAID, "IT IS TIME."

Ask that person out. Take that class. Work out in a sports bra. Start that blog. Wear that bathing suit. Book the photoshoot. Use the damn nice china! 

And do you want to know why? Because YOU ARE WORTHY OF IT NOW. Let that marinate around in your mind. Say it aloud. You are worthy of these things right at this very moment. You are smart. You are strong. You are capable. It’s just your mind holding you back, and it’s time to kindly ask it to sit the fuck down.

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed to any of us, and no matter how much we like to think that we’ll be happier, more prepared, or more worthy of what we want in the future, the time is now.

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Deciding to just get out there and do scary things can be hard at first, especially when you still don't feel "ready". I made a course to help you do it:

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